I'm gonna write about my 2 girls......
Jordan is honestly every mother's dream....a wonderful combination of intelligence, adventure, integrity, emotion, and zest for life. I simply cannot imagine my life without her. My memories of her toddlerhood are so strong they seem as if they were just yesterday. She had the sweetest little voice....she was completely in love with "Pooh and all them". She loved anything Disney...the store, movies, animals, and finally at the age of 5...the place. Absolutely one of the best times of my life was when she was 2-4 years old....so much fun. Now, she's growing up, against my wishes, but it keeps happening. I love that she confides in me with even the smallest things. She reminds me so much of myself at her age. She is always going to be my precious little angel.
Lauren...well just typing her name bring me to tears...this child is so amazing. My friend from the hospital called me today....her little boy has had 3 heart surgeries among so many other things wrong with him....she and her husband are overjoyed that at the age of 3 1/2, he's learned to hold his sippie cup. He has so far to go, if he does indeed overcome the many obstacles that lay ahead of him. She asks about Lauren...and for a minute I feel bad that she has met and surpassed all of the normal milestones. I tell her she's doing well and all the while I know she can hear Lauren talking the whole time we're on the phone...and I know she longs for the day that her little boy says just one word. I've been so blessed. And, there are so many times I'm reminded of why she's mine....I can handle it, I have handled it and I'll continue to for as long as I live. My living room carpet is riddled with every kind of stain imaginable--grape koolaid, blue koolaid, red popsicle, you name it....but I wouldn't have it any other way. She's my little daredevil, my messy one, and undoubtedly one of the bravest people I will ever know. Every single time she opens her mouth, I'm amazed at how precious she is....today she ran up to me and said "Oh my gosh mom, my diaper!" lol --- it needed adjusting :)
UGH---so much for uplifting lol---well i guess it was better than whining or drudging up bad memories :)
Monday, September 18, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
Believing................
So, I'm constantly amazed when I hear that someone doesn't believe in God. I, personally, simply cannot imagine it. The new debate board on pw has several that don't believe. Now, for me, it has always been very easy to believe in God. I was introduced to God at a very early age. I went through my early pre-teen stage of "where is He, how do you know He is real, etc.". My parents handled it somewhat well I guess lol---I started believing again. I can still remember vividly going through conviction at 14 years old.....and, I believe everyone goes through it.....unfortunately some either ignore it or don't understand what's happening to them. Jordan just went through it about 6 months ago and was saved. There is nothing in the world more wonderful than knowing that your child has accepted Jesus as their Savior and will live forever with you in heaven.
I don't understand growing up believing and then suddenly stopping. What could possibly happen to someone in their life that makes them give up on the one thing that could see them through? I look at what Lauren's been through---a parent's worst fear---it would've been so easy to blame God; instead my husband and I took the harder road and put it all in His hands. Why do I say it's the harder road? Because being human, it's much easier to be angry at someone rather than accept what they've handed you.
Now, the main thing that has my mind reeling about all this stuff is a few women on the debate board state that they don't believe in God. But, in the same breath will say -- I hope that death isn't the end....or that they believe in reincarnation. Why is it feasible to believe in something like reincarnation but so hard to believe that God exists? That makes absolutely no sense to me. Then there are others that believe death is the end---that's it---you die and become dirt and worm food. What a depressing thought. How can anyone live this life knowing that their actions do not matter.....and that's what it boils down to.....yes, their loved ones they leave behind will remember them and perhaps their grandchildren...but after that they're not in anyone's memory. Nothing about them lives on. So, why not lie, cheat, and steal? especially if you find a way to not get caught? doesn't matter----you'll never have to answer for it.......some will answer with morals --- being remembered as a good person---really, does it matter? what will you care once your gone?
Seriously blows my mind.
With that being said..........I guess the bottom line between believers and non-believers is which would you rather be...............a believer that turns out to be wrong (how would they know) or a non-believer that turns out to be wrong (they'll most surely know)?
That's not why I believe......but I don't understand how any intelligent person can choose the latter. Maybe taking that simple step is the way to getting back on track with God.
And then the very bottom line to me is: it's just so simple! How can you look at your child and say there is no God....that he/she just came from millions of years of worms turning into bugs turning into fish, etc.......I just don't get it.
Maybe it's easier for me.........every single prayer of mine has been answered. Every single one. Do I pray for money, fancy cars, huge mansion.......no.........do I pray for Lauren to be cured? No......God made her this way for a reason. Do I pray that she'll be able to live with it and have a long/happy life? yes, I do about every 5 minutes of every single day. Does praying for it more than once mean I don't think He'll follow through with my request? No----just letting Him know how serious I am about it :)
Whew---just wanted this out :) Hope I didn't offend anyone..........just how I feel about it!
I don't understand growing up believing and then suddenly stopping. What could possibly happen to someone in their life that makes them give up on the one thing that could see them through? I look at what Lauren's been through---a parent's worst fear---it would've been so easy to blame God; instead my husband and I took the harder road and put it all in His hands. Why do I say it's the harder road? Because being human, it's much easier to be angry at someone rather than accept what they've handed you.
Now, the main thing that has my mind reeling about all this stuff is a few women on the debate board state that they don't believe in God. But, in the same breath will say -- I hope that death isn't the end....or that they believe in reincarnation. Why is it feasible to believe in something like reincarnation but so hard to believe that God exists? That makes absolutely no sense to me. Then there are others that believe death is the end---that's it---you die and become dirt and worm food. What a depressing thought. How can anyone live this life knowing that their actions do not matter.....and that's what it boils down to.....yes, their loved ones they leave behind will remember them and perhaps their grandchildren...but after that they're not in anyone's memory. Nothing about them lives on. So, why not lie, cheat, and steal? especially if you find a way to not get caught? doesn't matter----you'll never have to answer for it.......some will answer with morals --- being remembered as a good person---really, does it matter? what will you care once your gone?
Seriously blows my mind.
With that being said..........I guess the bottom line between believers and non-believers is which would you rather be...............a believer that turns out to be wrong (how would they know) or a non-believer that turns out to be wrong (they'll most surely know)?
That's not why I believe......but I don't understand how any intelligent person can choose the latter. Maybe taking that simple step is the way to getting back on track with God.
And then the very bottom line to me is: it's just so simple! How can you look at your child and say there is no God....that he/she just came from millions of years of worms turning into bugs turning into fish, etc.......I just don't get it.
Maybe it's easier for me.........every single prayer of mine has been answered. Every single one. Do I pray for money, fancy cars, huge mansion.......no.........do I pray for Lauren to be cured? No......God made her this way for a reason. Do I pray that she'll be able to live with it and have a long/happy life? yes, I do about every 5 minutes of every single day. Does praying for it more than once mean I don't think He'll follow through with my request? No----just letting Him know how serious I am about it :)
Whew---just wanted this out :) Hope I didn't offend anyone..........just how I feel about it!
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Take Out the Trash Part 3........
Ok let's see if I can finish this up.
Monday, Dr. Marrow says Lauren can go home Tuesday. So Tues morning, I take my time packing up. My mom's there w/us playing w/Lauren. I knew it would be a while before we were discharged. Around 3 that afternoon, Dr. Fasules (the cardio working the east side for the next 2 weeks) and Dr. Francis (a resident) come into Lauren's room. They don't introduce themselves--nothing. Dr. Francis says "so, we're going to turn off the pulse ox machine." And I say "you mean at home?" and she says "No, you're not going home." I say "Dr. Marrow said we could go home today." Dr. Fasules pipes in "No, you're not, and she should've never been sent home in the first place." hmmmmm ok---then he says "I don't know when she'll go home." I then say "Do you know what we've accomplished in the 5 days we've been here?" he replies with "nothing" I said that's right "nothing, noone is worried about anything, why do we need to stay?" he replies with "I would've never sent her home." and then walks out. Ok--I was upset--but didn't make a scene. I unpack and bawl the rest of the day :( Tuesday, around 11:00, Dr. Fasules comes in again w/a nurse. My mom is there again playing w/Lauren. He tells me they want to do another echo. Ok--fine--we start talking and I ask him (a valid question in my opinion) what does he see that all the others didn't see when they discharged her the Thursday before......and here's our conversation:
me--what do you see that everyone else didn't when they discharged her last thursday?
him--well, sometimes doctors don't have a choice when the parent is PESTERING them to go home
me--are you telling me that the only reason they sent my child home is because they felt like i was pestering them?
him--WELL IF YOU PESTER THEM ENOUGH-------all caps cause he was yelling by this time
me--well, if that's the case, then I've got her in the wrong place--and i can't believe you would say something like that to me---she saw 10 different doctors across the hall and they all felt that she was ready to go home---Dr. Marrow told me she was ready to go home from this stay today
him--it sounds to me that you only hear what you want to hear---(then he backtracks) oh I don't know maybe you hear the positive and I hear the negative
me--by this time--i'm livid and we're both yelling---i repeat i can't believe you're talking to me like this---i've never had anyone here act like this
him--well you pestered them to let you go home---then when you get home, you call up here 3 times---you refused to bring her to the east side (stepdown unit) before going home
me---it was never once mentioned that she needed to come to this side---I only called b/c her sats were so low at home
him--well, i need to get someone up here to DEAL with you so I can take care of her
then he would start to walk out and he'd turn around and just keep on----IT WAS AWFUL
I have never ever been so angry in all my life---he basically told me I was only interested in going home and not what was best for Lauren.
So, he finally walks out---and I burst into tears I was so mad....now my mom has trouble hearing---but she knew we were fighting but couldn't understand every single word but she heard enough that she was mad too. A few minutes later---a social worker walks in---yes a social worker ha! I tell her what happened---she says I just can't believe that Dr. D (the one that d/c'd lauren from cvicu) would tell anyone that he was pestered into releasing a patient. I ask her who do I talk to---he's not getting away with this- and she says Dr. Marrow---he is Dr. Fasules' boss. So she calls him and he comes up a couple of hours later to talk to me.
We went into a room to ourselves and he said let's talk about Lauren first....I said ok---he went on to talk about all she'd been through, etc. and how he and the other doctors always talked about how I was always at her bedside, always had faith in them, etc. and yes that's all good to know---but not what i was worried about....then he says ok--tell me what happened---i told him and the nurse that had come in w/dr. fasules and heard the whole thing---was in there w/me and dr. marrow---she kept trying to defend him but couldn't deny the things he had said....dr. marrow was furious.....he said i knew they were releasing Lauren---we all thought she was ready, it didn't have anything to do with you......etc. So he goes and speaks to Dr. Fasules---a few minutes later, dr. fasules comes into lauren's room and starts talking about her echo results--then in the middle of all this he says "what can i say, I was wrong".......well, i knew that was all i was going to get out of him so ok fine.......but from that moment on, he lost total control of Lauren. Her surgeon stepped in and took over the decisions---her sats no longer were an issue (like Dr. Fasules was so worried about) and guess what became the issue??????????????
her incision---yes, the only thing my dh and I had asked them about every single day since we'd arrived---so they put her on an oral antibiotic and we had to stay until the next Monday.
Ok---I just wanted it out---there's noone I despise like this man---imo he is the very saddest, sorriest excuse for a doctor or even a human being. He treated me exactly how I would expect they wished they could treat some of the sorry parents that never come see their child....he will never ever have anything to do w/Lauren again---I don't care what kind of hell me and dh have to raise---it's been over a year and I still cannot believe I didn't do more. If I had it to do over; I wouldn't have slept until he was fired---there is just no excuse.
**For the record, cause I'm sure you're wondering----my dh never could catch him lol and it's a very good thing, I have no doubt....dh would come see us, doctor would be nowhere around.....ok if you had the patience to read all of this -- thankyou :)
Monday, Dr. Marrow says Lauren can go home Tuesday. So Tues morning, I take my time packing up. My mom's there w/us playing w/Lauren. I knew it would be a while before we were discharged. Around 3 that afternoon, Dr. Fasules (the cardio working the east side for the next 2 weeks) and Dr. Francis (a resident) come into Lauren's room. They don't introduce themselves--nothing. Dr. Francis says "so, we're going to turn off the pulse ox machine." And I say "you mean at home?" and she says "No, you're not going home." I say "Dr. Marrow said we could go home today." Dr. Fasules pipes in "No, you're not, and she should've never been sent home in the first place." hmmmmm ok---then he says "I don't know when she'll go home." I then say "Do you know what we've accomplished in the 5 days we've been here?" he replies with "nothing" I said that's right "nothing, noone is worried about anything, why do we need to stay?" he replies with "I would've never sent her home." and then walks out. Ok--I was upset--but didn't make a scene. I unpack and bawl the rest of the day :( Tuesday, around 11:00, Dr. Fasules comes in again w/a nurse. My mom is there again playing w/Lauren. He tells me they want to do another echo. Ok--fine--we start talking and I ask him (a valid question in my opinion) what does he see that all the others didn't see when they discharged her the Thursday before......and here's our conversation:
me--what do you see that everyone else didn't when they discharged her last thursday?
him--well, sometimes doctors don't have a choice when the parent is PESTERING them to go home
me--are you telling me that the only reason they sent my child home is because they felt like i was pestering them?
him--WELL IF YOU PESTER THEM ENOUGH-------all caps cause he was yelling by this time
me--well, if that's the case, then I've got her in the wrong place--and i can't believe you would say something like that to me---she saw 10 different doctors across the hall and they all felt that she was ready to go home---Dr. Marrow told me she was ready to go home from this stay today
him--it sounds to me that you only hear what you want to hear---(then he backtracks) oh I don't know maybe you hear the positive and I hear the negative
me--by this time--i'm livid and we're both yelling---i repeat i can't believe you're talking to me like this---i've never had anyone here act like this
him--well you pestered them to let you go home---then when you get home, you call up here 3 times---you refused to bring her to the east side (stepdown unit) before going home
me---it was never once mentioned that she needed to come to this side---I only called b/c her sats were so low at home
him--well, i need to get someone up here to DEAL with you so I can take care of her
then he would start to walk out and he'd turn around and just keep on----IT WAS AWFUL
I have never ever been so angry in all my life---he basically told me I was only interested in going home and not what was best for Lauren.
So, he finally walks out---and I burst into tears I was so mad....now my mom has trouble hearing---but she knew we were fighting but couldn't understand every single word but she heard enough that she was mad too. A few minutes later---a social worker walks in---yes a social worker ha! I tell her what happened---she says I just can't believe that Dr. D (the one that d/c'd lauren from cvicu) would tell anyone that he was pestered into releasing a patient. I ask her who do I talk to---he's not getting away with this- and she says Dr. Marrow---he is Dr. Fasules' boss. So she calls him and he comes up a couple of hours later to talk to me.
We went into a room to ourselves and he said let's talk about Lauren first....I said ok---he went on to talk about all she'd been through, etc. and how he and the other doctors always talked about how I was always at her bedside, always had faith in them, etc. and yes that's all good to know---but not what i was worried about....then he says ok--tell me what happened---i told him and the nurse that had come in w/dr. fasules and heard the whole thing---was in there w/me and dr. marrow---she kept trying to defend him but couldn't deny the things he had said....dr. marrow was furious.....he said i knew they were releasing Lauren---we all thought she was ready, it didn't have anything to do with you......etc. So he goes and speaks to Dr. Fasules---a few minutes later, dr. fasules comes into lauren's room and starts talking about her echo results--then in the middle of all this he says "what can i say, I was wrong".......well, i knew that was all i was going to get out of him so ok fine.......but from that moment on, he lost total control of Lauren. Her surgeon stepped in and took over the decisions---her sats no longer were an issue (like Dr. Fasules was so worried about) and guess what became the issue??????????????
her incision---yes, the only thing my dh and I had asked them about every single day since we'd arrived---so they put her on an oral antibiotic and we had to stay until the next Monday.
Ok---I just wanted it out---there's noone I despise like this man---imo he is the very saddest, sorriest excuse for a doctor or even a human being. He treated me exactly how I would expect they wished they could treat some of the sorry parents that never come see their child....he will never ever have anything to do w/Lauren again---I don't care what kind of hell me and dh have to raise---it's been over a year and I still cannot believe I didn't do more. If I had it to do over; I wouldn't have slept until he was fired---there is just no excuse.
**For the record, cause I'm sure you're wondering----my dh never could catch him lol and it's a very good thing, I have no doubt....dh would come see us, doctor would be nowhere around.....ok if you had the patience to read all of this -- thankyou :)
Taking Out the Trash part 2........
So, Wednesday morning comes, Lauren's feeds are back to normal. Dr. D comes in and examines her and walks over to me and here is our conversation:
him--we've decided Lauren needs to go home on oxygen
me--i don't understand, she did great yesterday and last night (sats were higher than ever)
him--i know, but we've discussed it and we feel that she needs it
me--(bit discouraged but not angry) ok--i need to learn that things change daily, even though i don't understand---so you've decided she needs oxygen and her feeds are fine---what's keeping her here now?
him--well, she ran a fever sunday night (um, yeah--wasn't too worried about that monday--now, NOW i realize why he was hesitant to release her but he just would not come out and say i don't feel that she's ready--instead he kept giving me stupid excuses)
me--ok when do u think she'll be ready to go home (now, I'm not mad and he knows it---he realizes I'm upset w/the whole oxygen thing)
him--tomorrow--she can go home tomorrow
me--ok great
him--i knew you were upset because you would not look me in the eye--(hehe he and i have hardly ever held anything back--he's been w/lauren from day one)
me--yes, i wasn't angry--just upset
him--i completely understand, now, one more thing--do you want to go home from here in the morning or from across the hall (now across the hall is the norm for getting ready to go home but noone had ever mentioned lauren needing to go there at all---she was weeks out of surgery, there was nothing for me to learn, etc.)
me--well if you need this room then across the hall, but if you don't--it's much easier to go home from this side
him---ok--you'll go home from this side
From that minute on----everyone was getting things ready w/o me having to ask for a single things---the head nurse was filling out lauren's prescriptions, calling and having oxygen delivered the next day, etc.----all was going good.
The next day--we take her home--she was so excited all the way home. Get home and after a couple of hours she is just not acting right---sats were very low. By that night i decided to call the cardiologist on call---he said he wasn't worried that it was probably just the transition from hospital to home---well then she spiked a temp--called him back---still not worried. Ok--next morning--i simply wanted her cardiologist to know how things were going---i was getting high 50's on her feet and low 60's on her hands---very very low. They call back---she needs to be re-admitted.....ok---this time on the east side (the not so sick side where you room in and take care of them but still get interrupted/woke up constantly).
Get up there--by now it's july 1st....Dr. Frazier comes in and she says i'm just going to watch her---and just leave her alone--ok great.
A couple of hours later, Lauren rolls over from her side after being asleep and her chest incision looks absolutely awful---we get the nurse, she gets the doctor---not worried--we'll just keep and eye on it (remember this).
The weekend was awful---ended up getting a temp, they insisted on iv antibiotics---took several sticks ugh---not a night i'd relive for no amount of money. Weekend goes by--noone is concerned at all w/her incision, her sats---nothing. Sunday night her iv goes bad. I refuse another one because her cultures are growing nothing. Argue w/the resident on call that not only cannot make the correct calls for a heart patient but probably couldn't even spell lauren's defect---she ends up calling the cardiologist and gets overruled :) Monday--Dr. Marrow comes in (he's the chief cardiologist) and says--let's keep her one more night and see how she does then she can go home tomorrow---still noone is worried about her incision or sats.
Here's where the good doctor comes in. And, I'm gonna have to finish this in a little bit---Lauren's awake and we gotta go get Jordan :)
him--we've decided Lauren needs to go home on oxygen
me--i don't understand, she did great yesterday and last night (sats were higher than ever)
him--i know, but we've discussed it and we feel that she needs it
me--(bit discouraged but not angry) ok--i need to learn that things change daily, even though i don't understand---so you've decided she needs oxygen and her feeds are fine---what's keeping her here now?
him--well, she ran a fever sunday night (um, yeah--wasn't too worried about that monday--now, NOW i realize why he was hesitant to release her but he just would not come out and say i don't feel that she's ready--instead he kept giving me stupid excuses)
me--ok when do u think she'll be ready to go home (now, I'm not mad and he knows it---he realizes I'm upset w/the whole oxygen thing)
him--tomorrow--she can go home tomorrow
me--ok great
him--i knew you were upset because you would not look me in the eye--(hehe he and i have hardly ever held anything back--he's been w/lauren from day one)
me--yes, i wasn't angry--just upset
him--i completely understand, now, one more thing--do you want to go home from here in the morning or from across the hall (now across the hall is the norm for getting ready to go home but noone had ever mentioned lauren needing to go there at all---she was weeks out of surgery, there was nothing for me to learn, etc.)
me--well if you need this room then across the hall, but if you don't--it's much easier to go home from this side
him---ok--you'll go home from this side
From that minute on----everyone was getting things ready w/o me having to ask for a single things---the head nurse was filling out lauren's prescriptions, calling and having oxygen delivered the next day, etc.----all was going good.
The next day--we take her home--she was so excited all the way home. Get home and after a couple of hours she is just not acting right---sats were very low. By that night i decided to call the cardiologist on call---he said he wasn't worried that it was probably just the transition from hospital to home---well then she spiked a temp--called him back---still not worried. Ok--next morning--i simply wanted her cardiologist to know how things were going---i was getting high 50's on her feet and low 60's on her hands---very very low. They call back---she needs to be re-admitted.....ok---this time on the east side (the not so sick side where you room in and take care of them but still get interrupted/woke up constantly).
Get up there--by now it's july 1st....Dr. Frazier comes in and she says i'm just going to watch her---and just leave her alone--ok great.
A couple of hours later, Lauren rolls over from her side after being asleep and her chest incision looks absolutely awful---we get the nurse, she gets the doctor---not worried--we'll just keep and eye on it (remember this).
The weekend was awful---ended up getting a temp, they insisted on iv antibiotics---took several sticks ugh---not a night i'd relive for no amount of money. Weekend goes by--noone is concerned at all w/her incision, her sats---nothing. Sunday night her iv goes bad. I refuse another one because her cultures are growing nothing. Argue w/the resident on call that not only cannot make the correct calls for a heart patient but probably couldn't even spell lauren's defect---she ends up calling the cardiologist and gets overruled :) Monday--Dr. Marrow comes in (he's the chief cardiologist) and says--let's keep her one more night and see how she does then she can go home tomorrow---still noone is worried about her incision or sats.
Here's where the good doctor comes in. And, I'm gonna have to finish this in a little bit---Lauren's awake and we gotta go get Jordan :)
Taking Out the Trash.......
I don't know about the rest of you (well I'm pretty sure you'll agree) but the absolute worst thing anyone could ever do is to question my parenting or my intentions as a mom. That's the best way I can explain why this incident has bothered me so much for so long---I feel like this person did exactly that or tried to. This happened while Lauren was in the hospital last year. Now, this is going to be long................grab a snack and go pee before you get to comfortable :)
First some background info......now remember, we had already had a 2-month stay at children's right after Lauren was born. During that time and after we brought her home, I tried to learn as much as I could about her heart defects, etc. I talked to many different people. And, I learned what was/wasn't appropriate with the many different doctors/nurses/surgeons. Prior to her 2nd surgery last summer, we had already been through her first cath where they told us they found another defect that she couldn't live with--surgery, transplant, nothing would help her--and we only had a few months left with her. After discovering it wasn't as bad as they thought--we lived through many months on the transplant list, all of the pre-listing testing, her surgeon committing suicide--the list just goes on. So--in summary--we had been through a lot more than most heart patients--and we had learned a lot.
Now--I met every kind of parent you can imagine while sitting in that waiting room. I met the parent(s) that only called to check on their child--never visited (this is from talking to nurses); I met the parents that actually enjoyed the waiting room--the living conditions were probably 100% better than what they had at home--just a big party; I met the parents who cried for their sick baby but after having been in the hospital for weeks couldn't tell me their child's heart defect(s); and then there is me and my husband and more like us that cry for their child but also want to know everything they can--these are the families that I bonded with. But, I can clearly see the type of people these doctors/surgeons etc. deal with on a daily basis.
Now--here is how I dealt with doctors, etc. The CVICU is a scary, highly stressful environment. These babies are just about as sick as you can get. The doctors are almost always stretched to the limit. I learned very quickly and not by force that if you want/need to speak to the doctor--wait until they approach you because they almost always will or tell your child's nurse that you would like to speak to them when they get the chance. I treated them all with the upmost respect and all except for this one I was treated the exact same way. These people were saving my child's life or at least trying everything in their power to do so---they deserved to be treated as such. And, I did---I'm not trying to brag-I'm honestly trying to just set the stage-I'll just forever be in debt to all these people...and I let them know it. If one came up with a good idea, etc. I let them know how much I appreciated them.
Now--a little more background but I'm getting there. A routine echo/checkup in February last year showed much improved heart function. Lauren's cardiologist came into the room actually "giddy" and I would never use that word for this woman---all business :) She wanted to try another heart cath and see if Lauren was finally ready for the 2nd stage that she should've had months earlier. Finally get it done in April---the whole cardio staff was certain she was ready for it. So, she became inactive on the transplant list and the surgery date was scheduled. Went in on May 26th for preop and had the surgery the 27th. She did great---much better than my husband and I expected. The next couple of days she was doing pretty good---her sats weren't too great but they hoped they would increase with time. On the 1st she started going downhill and her cardiologist which happened to be the doctor on the unit for the week felt that she needed to be put back on the vent. They decided that afternoon to take her back for a cath to see why she wasn't responding well to the surgery. Nothing showed up---she was getting sicker. Took her back again on Friday to put in a stent in her pulmonary artery--thought this would help--it didn't. For the next 2 weeks, Lauren was intubated and completely paralyzed. They had her on a drug so that she didn't wake up or even flinch. Her numbers were still bad---several times her numbers would bottom out and her room would be swarming with doctors. After about a week and a half of being so sick, she bottomed out one day and her surgeon, Dr. Imamura, decided to take her back and completely undo the surgery. If it had been 5 minutes later she would've had that surgery, but they had to wait on the previous or patient to come out. Her numbers went back up and everyone backed off. That afternoon, they met and decided she needed a heart. Her surgeon and cardiologist came into her room and said she'd just been up'd to a status 1A--in the hospital on the vent. She stayed this way for about a week....now each week a new cardiologist or intensivist (intensive care doctor) would come in--they have a staff of about 10 that works this unit. So, Dr. Buddha came in one Monday---it was his week---knew him well. He decided to start trying different vent settings, rolling her over, etc. Everything he would come up with-worked-we kept seeing improvement. By the end of his week, he took her off the paralytic drug and let her wake up--she was still intubated. After waking up good, she showed her dad and I itsy bitsy spider---we were crying and laughing--it was wonderful--we had no idea how her mind would be--even the docs weren't sure. The next day she was extabated and on the road to recovery. We spent two more weeks in cvicu--they were messing with different meds, oxygen intake, her feeds, etc. I never once asked anyone when we were going home. Never...I knew how sick she had been...at one point her surgeon and another doc came in her room while she was so sick and told me that they had never had one this sick come out of it on their own. So, even though I'd only been home once in about 30-35 days, I wasn't going to hurry them. Our last week in cvicu went like this: Dr. D (his name is super long) came in for his week. Knew him-liked him very much.........I would happen to be back there (well I usually was constantly now that she was awake and the nurses didn't mind b/c I was who she wanted) when he would make his rounds so on Monday morning, after examining her, he came over to me and said "All we like is getting her feeds back up to where they need to be and deciding whether or not she needs to go home on oxygen." Ok great! He adds "I think she'll be ready to go home this week." Ok--someone has said go home---now I'm getting antsy--I won't lie about that. Tuesday morning, he comes in and says let's take her off oxygen today and see how she does. I walked her around the hospital all day. She did great.
Ok gonna post this one, I'm afraid I'll lose it.
First some background info......now remember, we had already had a 2-month stay at children's right after Lauren was born. During that time and after we brought her home, I tried to learn as much as I could about her heart defects, etc. I talked to many different people. And, I learned what was/wasn't appropriate with the many different doctors/nurses/surgeons. Prior to her 2nd surgery last summer, we had already been through her first cath where they told us they found another defect that she couldn't live with--surgery, transplant, nothing would help her--and we only had a few months left with her. After discovering it wasn't as bad as they thought--we lived through many months on the transplant list, all of the pre-listing testing, her surgeon committing suicide--the list just goes on. So--in summary--we had been through a lot more than most heart patients--and we had learned a lot.
Now--I met every kind of parent you can imagine while sitting in that waiting room. I met the parent(s) that only called to check on their child--never visited (this is from talking to nurses); I met the parents that actually enjoyed the waiting room--the living conditions were probably 100% better than what they had at home--just a big party; I met the parents who cried for their sick baby but after having been in the hospital for weeks couldn't tell me their child's heart defect(s); and then there is me and my husband and more like us that cry for their child but also want to know everything they can--these are the families that I bonded with. But, I can clearly see the type of people these doctors/surgeons etc. deal with on a daily basis.
Now--here is how I dealt with doctors, etc. The CVICU is a scary, highly stressful environment. These babies are just about as sick as you can get. The doctors are almost always stretched to the limit. I learned very quickly and not by force that if you want/need to speak to the doctor--wait until they approach you because they almost always will or tell your child's nurse that you would like to speak to them when they get the chance. I treated them all with the upmost respect and all except for this one I was treated the exact same way. These people were saving my child's life or at least trying everything in their power to do so---they deserved to be treated as such. And, I did---I'm not trying to brag-I'm honestly trying to just set the stage-I'll just forever be in debt to all these people...and I let them know it. If one came up with a good idea, etc. I let them know how much I appreciated them.
Now--a little more background but I'm getting there. A routine echo/checkup in February last year showed much improved heart function. Lauren's cardiologist came into the room actually "giddy" and I would never use that word for this woman---all business :) She wanted to try another heart cath and see if Lauren was finally ready for the 2nd stage that she should've had months earlier. Finally get it done in April---the whole cardio staff was certain she was ready for it. So, she became inactive on the transplant list and the surgery date was scheduled. Went in on May 26th for preop and had the surgery the 27th. She did great---much better than my husband and I expected. The next couple of days she was doing pretty good---her sats weren't too great but they hoped they would increase with time. On the 1st she started going downhill and her cardiologist which happened to be the doctor on the unit for the week felt that she needed to be put back on the vent. They decided that afternoon to take her back for a cath to see why she wasn't responding well to the surgery. Nothing showed up---she was getting sicker. Took her back again on Friday to put in a stent in her pulmonary artery--thought this would help--it didn't. For the next 2 weeks, Lauren was intubated and completely paralyzed. They had her on a drug so that she didn't wake up or even flinch. Her numbers were still bad---several times her numbers would bottom out and her room would be swarming with doctors. After about a week and a half of being so sick, she bottomed out one day and her surgeon, Dr. Imamura, decided to take her back and completely undo the surgery. If it had been 5 minutes later she would've had that surgery, but they had to wait on the previous or patient to come out. Her numbers went back up and everyone backed off. That afternoon, they met and decided she needed a heart. Her surgeon and cardiologist came into her room and said she'd just been up'd to a status 1A--in the hospital on the vent. She stayed this way for about a week....now each week a new cardiologist or intensivist (intensive care doctor) would come in--they have a staff of about 10 that works this unit. So, Dr. Buddha came in one Monday---it was his week---knew him well. He decided to start trying different vent settings, rolling her over, etc. Everything he would come up with-worked-we kept seeing improvement. By the end of his week, he took her off the paralytic drug and let her wake up--she was still intubated. After waking up good, she showed her dad and I itsy bitsy spider---we were crying and laughing--it was wonderful--we had no idea how her mind would be--even the docs weren't sure. The next day she was extabated and on the road to recovery. We spent two more weeks in cvicu--they were messing with different meds, oxygen intake, her feeds, etc. I never once asked anyone when we were going home. Never...I knew how sick she had been...at one point her surgeon and another doc came in her room while she was so sick and told me that they had never had one this sick come out of it on their own. So, even though I'd only been home once in about 30-35 days, I wasn't going to hurry them. Our last week in cvicu went like this: Dr. D (his name is super long) came in for his week. Knew him-liked him very much.........I would happen to be back there (well I usually was constantly now that she was awake and the nurses didn't mind b/c I was who she wanted) when he would make his rounds so on Monday morning, after examining her, he came over to me and said "All we like is getting her feeds back up to where they need to be and deciding whether or not she needs to go home on oxygen." Ok great! He adds "I think she'll be ready to go home this week." Ok--someone has said go home---now I'm getting antsy--I won't lie about that. Tuesday morning, he comes in and says let's take her off oxygen today and see how she does. I walked her around the hospital all day. She did great.
Ok gonna post this one, I'm afraid I'll lose it.
Just because..........
So, Stacey's liberating post on the board got me thinking. I'm really lucky considering some of the things my fellow moms have been through. I was never abused--mentally, physically, or sexually---something that I'm finding out now that I'm an adult is very very rare. My dad was an alcoholic while I was growing up. He cheated on my mom--hit her a few times....but she worshipped the ground he walked on. Luckily, he realized what he was doing and now adores her the way she always has him. I still remember the day he decided to quit drinking for good. I was 15 years old and he put his last beer can up in the kitchen cabinet with the date on it. And, he did---quit, until I got pregnant with Jordan, he took it up again, but it didn't last long. My mom had grown some balls and wasn't going through it again. He's a wonderful dad--he would do everything/anything in his power to make sure my brother and I are happy. And, he's a great grandpa. My two girls have something I never had and that is fantastic grandparents.
My mom---wow---simply the most amazing woman I know. In a world filled with takers she is the biggest giver I know. I can't imagine my life without her....so, to sum it up, I've been very blessed. And my heart goes out to all my friends that have dealt with so much. Although mom and dad won't read this---lol---this blog is just to share w/my other mom friends :) If felt good to say it--and it felt worthy of saying.
And, now I believe I'll blog about the good doctor that has taken up enough of my thoughts for the past year.
My mom---wow---simply the most amazing woman I know. In a world filled with takers she is the biggest giver I know. I can't imagine my life without her....so, to sum it up, I've been very blessed. And my heart goes out to all my friends that have dealt with so much. Although mom and dad won't read this---lol---this blog is just to share w/my other mom friends :) If felt good to say it--and it felt worthy of saying.
And, now I believe I'll blog about the good doctor that has taken up enough of my thoughts for the past year.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
I'm So Nervous!!!!!!!
I promise I'm going to try to write a fun post soon!! Lately, it's been a bunch of whining and well I'm so not that person lol! I've just got to get through this week!!! Jordan starts school tomorrow. I'm so nervous for her. She's excited which is great, but I'm so not! I'm trying not to let it show. She knows I'll miss her. It's just going to be so hard, because I've enjoyed her home the last 2 years.
And the thought of this Friday just makes me sick. I can't believe it's been a year since Lauren has had to have anything done. Please say a prayer that it goes well and they don't throw us anymore surprises! It's just so hard to go back to that place.
And the thought of this Friday just makes me sick. I can't believe it's been a year since Lauren has had to have anything done. Please say a prayer that it goes well and they don't throw us anymore surprises! It's just so hard to go back to that place.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Whole Lotta Bitchin
This is going to be a woe is me post---just wanted to warn you.
First, most of you know my brother and his wife, Jill, divorced last November. No signs of trouble, nothing. She just up and decides she's no longer happy. Then we find out she had someone else. The person I had talked to daily by phone or in person for the last 10 years up and left -- me included. She turned her girls' lives upside down. They're thrown all over the place. She had been a stayathome mom (use loosely); she got a job, stuck the youngest in daycare, and their time became split between aunts, mom, dad, grandmas, and babysitters. In my mind, she completely put herself before her girls.
So, it was hard but everyone especially my brother, muddled through. The only thing that had ever bugged me about Jill was the fact that even tho I knew/know she loves her 2 girls...she doesn't like to take care of them. She is absolutely fine with someone else having them. There were times it made me nuts when me or my mom would have them day after day, but other than that, I truly loved her like a sister. It's almost like she fell off the planet now. And, to top it off, she's happier than ever---I know I sound awful---but I hate it. She's marrying this guy in a few weeks. She has it completely and totally made. She hardly has to take care of her kids, gets a TON of child support (even tho my brother has them more than she does), and continues to go about as if she has done nothing wrong. I just don't get it. She has truly made me wonder if anybody I know is what they seem.
So, last time I saw her was at Jordan's b-day party in December. Months passed--no calls, nothing. Then last weekend, my oldest neice wanted to spend the night so we had to go by and pick her up. Jill comes out and hugs me for like 5 minutes. You know the kind where you try to end it but the other one won't let you. I was so close to tears but all the kids were around. She told me she missed me and that she had picked up the phone a million times. I know in my heart she misses me; I guess it's impossible to stay close to your ex-sister-in-law.
This is the same person that was at the hospital during Lauren's first stay---just about everyday. She stayed nights with me...cried and prayed with me. Now, I know you don't stay married to someone just for their family. But, when you don't really have a reason to end your marriage other than your own foolishness....I don't know....it's over, they're both getting married to someone else---I think I'm the only one still reeling from their divorce.
So, my brother met someone a few months ago and they're already engaged. She's nice, has 2 kids--a 2-year old and a 3-year old. Between them they'll have a 2,3,4, and 8-year old. I've only been around her a handful of times, but I just do not care for her at all. She's 8 years younger than my brother---nothing wrong w/that....except that the age difference shows so much. Like I said, she's nice, but she has made no effort whatsoever to get to know me. She's been over to my house 3 different times---all 3 times, she gets in the pool while her 2 little ones come into my house. I don't mind watching other people's kids sometimes...but she doesn't even know me. The first time was on July 4th....she left for about an hour and left the kids here for me and mom to watch---ok no big deal---except they don't know us and vice versa and they're screaming for their mom the whole time. The other time she came over was one day after Lauren's cardio appt....they always drain me and her....we had to get up early, etc. She comes over--hops in the pool and her 2 littles ones stayed in with me. She doesn't ask--it just happens. Then today, me and Lauren run to town, get home, they come over and it happens again. Yes, I know----it's my fault if I let it happen. But, what in the world do you say to someone who is apparently so friggin oblivious? It would just piss her off, thus pissing my brother off. But, does it really matter? I just don't do people this way. When in the world did people start thinking it's ok to do others like this? I'm not expecting any answers--just bitchin like I said.
Anyway, my mom claims she and my brother are crazy about each other. Well, of course, she's crazy about him---not very often some man will take in a much younger woman with 2 little kids, plus I know him...he's probably spent a ton of money on her already. They planned to get married next June, now it's moved up to Christmas. And, why do I even care? Well, I guess I wouldn't if she'd take care of her own kids when they come around.
So, this isn't even the tip of the iceberg with what's really bothering me. I feel like I have noone, no safe place, to even talk about it.....it's just too crazy to understand. And, again, it's something that I myself have put up with for years. Regardless of how I try to hide stuff, my mom always knows when something is wrong. So earlier, when everyone was here, she asked what was wrong and kept asking. Finally I said Mom I've got a ton on my mind and I just don't want to talk about it right now---which in turn hurts her feelings....I thought I said it as nice as possible.
Ok---so this is ironic---just the other night i was talking to one of you about how I am not the type of person to whine lol and here I go :) But, mission accomplished---I feel better :)
First, most of you know my brother and his wife, Jill, divorced last November. No signs of trouble, nothing. She just up and decides she's no longer happy. Then we find out she had someone else. The person I had talked to daily by phone or in person for the last 10 years up and left -- me included. She turned her girls' lives upside down. They're thrown all over the place. She had been a stayathome mom (use loosely); she got a job, stuck the youngest in daycare, and their time became split between aunts, mom, dad, grandmas, and babysitters. In my mind, she completely put herself before her girls.
So, it was hard but everyone especially my brother, muddled through. The only thing that had ever bugged me about Jill was the fact that even tho I knew/know she loves her 2 girls...she doesn't like to take care of them. She is absolutely fine with someone else having them. There were times it made me nuts when me or my mom would have them day after day, but other than that, I truly loved her like a sister. It's almost like she fell off the planet now. And, to top it off, she's happier than ever---I know I sound awful---but I hate it. She's marrying this guy in a few weeks. She has it completely and totally made. She hardly has to take care of her kids, gets a TON of child support (even tho my brother has them more than she does), and continues to go about as if she has done nothing wrong. I just don't get it. She has truly made me wonder if anybody I know is what they seem.
So, last time I saw her was at Jordan's b-day party in December. Months passed--no calls, nothing. Then last weekend, my oldest neice wanted to spend the night so we had to go by and pick her up. Jill comes out and hugs me for like 5 minutes. You know the kind where you try to end it but the other one won't let you. I was so close to tears but all the kids were around. She told me she missed me and that she had picked up the phone a million times. I know in my heart she misses me; I guess it's impossible to stay close to your ex-sister-in-law.
This is the same person that was at the hospital during Lauren's first stay---just about everyday. She stayed nights with me...cried and prayed with me. Now, I know you don't stay married to someone just for their family. But, when you don't really have a reason to end your marriage other than your own foolishness....I don't know....it's over, they're both getting married to someone else---I think I'm the only one still reeling from their divorce.
So, my brother met someone a few months ago and they're already engaged. She's nice, has 2 kids--a 2-year old and a 3-year old. Between them they'll have a 2,3,4, and 8-year old. I've only been around her a handful of times, but I just do not care for her at all. She's 8 years younger than my brother---nothing wrong w/that....except that the age difference shows so much. Like I said, she's nice, but she has made no effort whatsoever to get to know me. She's been over to my house 3 different times---all 3 times, she gets in the pool while her 2 little ones come into my house. I don't mind watching other people's kids sometimes...but she doesn't even know me. The first time was on July 4th....she left for about an hour and left the kids here for me and mom to watch---ok no big deal---except they don't know us and vice versa and they're screaming for their mom the whole time. The other time she came over was one day after Lauren's cardio appt....they always drain me and her....we had to get up early, etc. She comes over--hops in the pool and her 2 littles ones stayed in with me. She doesn't ask--it just happens. Then today, me and Lauren run to town, get home, they come over and it happens again. Yes, I know----it's my fault if I let it happen. But, what in the world do you say to someone who is apparently so friggin oblivious? It would just piss her off, thus pissing my brother off. But, does it really matter? I just don't do people this way. When in the world did people start thinking it's ok to do others like this? I'm not expecting any answers--just bitchin like I said.
Anyway, my mom claims she and my brother are crazy about each other. Well, of course, she's crazy about him---not very often some man will take in a much younger woman with 2 little kids, plus I know him...he's probably spent a ton of money on her already. They planned to get married next June, now it's moved up to Christmas. And, why do I even care? Well, I guess I wouldn't if she'd take care of her own kids when they come around.
So, this isn't even the tip of the iceberg with what's really bothering me. I feel like I have noone, no safe place, to even talk about it.....it's just too crazy to understand. And, again, it's something that I myself have put up with for years. Regardless of how I try to hide stuff, my mom always knows when something is wrong. So earlier, when everyone was here, she asked what was wrong and kept asking. Finally I said Mom I've got a ton on my mind and I just don't want to talk about it right now---which in turn hurts her feelings....I thought I said it as nice as possible.
Ok---so this is ironic---just the other night i was talking to one of you about how I am not the type of person to whine lol and here I go :) But, mission accomplished---I feel better :)
Thursday, August 03, 2006
I love my online friends!!!!!!
Seriously, I have no idea what I would do without all of you! I have met some of the most amazing women! I was thinking about it earlier........who in the world would I call/or write to :) about different things if I didn't have all of you?
There are some that I owe so much to! Shelley for answering sooooo many of my questions/concerns---she'll never know how much it means to just have someone that is always there for this stuff!
And others, that offer prayers & support during the scary stuff---Cathy, Lin, Cindy, Monica, Deana, Jamie, Ruthie, Stacey, Angel, Monica, Katie, Ania, Florence, and Shelley again :) Well, a ton more do too, but these ladies never miss an opportunity to cheer Lauren on!!
And my night-time chats with Deana, Monica, Jamie, and Angel---it's so fun to sit back and laugh at the crazy stuff you girls come up with!
So thanks Angel & Monica for making me feel special today and for reminding me of how lucky I am to have all of you!
I love you all!!!!!!
There are some that I owe so much to! Shelley for answering sooooo many of my questions/concerns---she'll never know how much it means to just have someone that is always there for this stuff!
And others, that offer prayers & support during the scary stuff---Cathy, Lin, Cindy, Monica, Deana, Jamie, Ruthie, Stacey, Angel, Monica, Katie, Ania, Florence, and Shelley again :) Well, a ton more do too, but these ladies never miss an opportunity to cheer Lauren on!!
And my night-time chats with Deana, Monica, Jamie, and Angel---it's so fun to sit back and laugh at the crazy stuff you girls come up with!
So thanks Angel & Monica for making me feel special today and for reminding me of how lucky I am to have all of you!
I love you all!!!!!!
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Just a vent.......
And, it may be hard to read---it's very sad and I don't expect any of you to read it or comment---but my stomach hurts from being so mad about something I just read so I'm gonna put it here and leave it.
I belong to an online community called savinglittlehearts....it was a great source of information when Lauren was first diagnosed and they do really neat little things such as card programs for little ones having surgery, etc. The good from the website outweighs the bad so I continue to read their emails, etc. About a month ago, I received an email from the woman who runs it, Karin, it was a mass email about a little boy, a year older than Lauren, that had passed away. He had the same defect as Lauren although most you do hear about passing away do have this defect. He'd had the first 2 of the 3 surgeries, but after the 2nd, like Lauren, his body rejected it, and instead of being able to work through it, he had to have a transplant. He did really well and the day before he passed, he'd had an echo and heart cath and received good news. The next morning, without warning, he just fell over. It broke my heart, and I spent the better part of the following week trying to imagine how his parents were handling it. We all know the statistics of a child with hlhs, but when they're doing so well, everything you've been told takes a back seat.
Well, just now, I received another email from Karin. Another child with hlhs just passed away this morning -- his name is Noah and he was 4 months old. I decided to read his carepage and see what defect he had and what all he had been through that had led to his passing. And, it's just the same story I've read hundreds of times, except for the end and I just don't understand it. He'd had the first of the 3 surgeries right after birth. He had a bt shunt placed (Lauren had one placed during her first surgery) when he was a couple of months old. They were preparing to have his 2nd surgery in the next month or two. His parents had taken him in 5 days ago....told his doctors that something wasn't right, he wasn't eating well, he looked swollen and blue. Supposedly, the doctors ran all kinds of tests, including chest xrays and an echo and they said his heart looked fine and that maybe it was just a virus. They sent him back home with his sats in the low 60's--no oxygen--nothing. Low 60's! Lauren's docs weren't thrilled with her mid-70's but at least she was still playing, eating, and acting fine. There's no way they would send her home with sats in the 60's. In fact, they nearly took her back to surgery to undo her 2nd procedure when her sats hit low 60's...of course they dipped into the 40-50's too, but they still weren't satisfied with 60s. I just don't understand it...if they weren't sure of their ability to care for this sick of a child, why did they not send him to another hospital? I saw pictures on their website of this baby, sure he looked sick--heart sick--but he was smiling and looked healthy otherwise. And, these parents will probably never know that he should've never been sent home. I know these babies/children have a life-threatening defect. Believe me, I know that--and I'm so not the smartest person to ask about stuff like this--but I do feel that this baby didn't have to die....not today. It has just made me so sick. If you did read this and I have a feeling most of you did cause you're such good friends to me! please say a prayer for Noah's family. He has a 6-year old brother named Josh.
I belong to an online community called savinglittlehearts....it was a great source of information when Lauren was first diagnosed and they do really neat little things such as card programs for little ones having surgery, etc. The good from the website outweighs the bad so I continue to read their emails, etc. About a month ago, I received an email from the woman who runs it, Karin, it was a mass email about a little boy, a year older than Lauren, that had passed away. He had the same defect as Lauren although most you do hear about passing away do have this defect. He'd had the first 2 of the 3 surgeries, but after the 2nd, like Lauren, his body rejected it, and instead of being able to work through it, he had to have a transplant. He did really well and the day before he passed, he'd had an echo and heart cath and received good news. The next morning, without warning, he just fell over. It broke my heart, and I spent the better part of the following week trying to imagine how his parents were handling it. We all know the statistics of a child with hlhs, but when they're doing so well, everything you've been told takes a back seat.
Well, just now, I received another email from Karin. Another child with hlhs just passed away this morning -- his name is Noah and he was 4 months old. I decided to read his carepage and see what defect he had and what all he had been through that had led to his passing. And, it's just the same story I've read hundreds of times, except for the end and I just don't understand it. He'd had the first of the 3 surgeries right after birth. He had a bt shunt placed (Lauren had one placed during her first surgery) when he was a couple of months old. They were preparing to have his 2nd surgery in the next month or two. His parents had taken him in 5 days ago....told his doctors that something wasn't right, he wasn't eating well, he looked swollen and blue. Supposedly, the doctors ran all kinds of tests, including chest xrays and an echo and they said his heart looked fine and that maybe it was just a virus. They sent him back home with his sats in the low 60's--no oxygen--nothing. Low 60's! Lauren's docs weren't thrilled with her mid-70's but at least she was still playing, eating, and acting fine. There's no way they would send her home with sats in the 60's. In fact, they nearly took her back to surgery to undo her 2nd procedure when her sats hit low 60's...of course they dipped into the 40-50's too, but they still weren't satisfied with 60s. I just don't understand it...if they weren't sure of their ability to care for this sick of a child, why did they not send him to another hospital? I saw pictures on their website of this baby, sure he looked sick--heart sick--but he was smiling and looked healthy otherwise. And, these parents will probably never know that he should've never been sent home. I know these babies/children have a life-threatening defect. Believe me, I know that--and I'm so not the smartest person to ask about stuff like this--but I do feel that this baby didn't have to die....not today. It has just made me so sick. If you did read this and I have a feeling most of you did cause you're such good friends to me! please say a prayer for Noah's family. He has a 6-year old brother named Josh.
Monday, July 24, 2006
An Ode to Zoloft......
Ok my title may sound humorous but the post isn't lol--not trying to make light of its use but well I'm in debt to the creators....what else can I say :)
So, Friday night I reminded my dh to go to the pharmacy the next morning and pick up one of Lauren's meds and one of mine. He replies with "your crazy medicine". Now, it didn't bother me, really, I know he was kidding; but, it has made me think about it ever since. I mean it's $20 copay per month (not that much) and it affects the way you handle things. But, I don't see myself ever getting off of it....not anytime soon anyway.
I went through Lauren's diagnosis, first surgery, and 7 weeks of being in the hospital and feeling like an emotional train wreck without it. I went through our first 2 months at home (2 of the hardest months of my life--physically & emotionally) without it. And, more importantly, her first heart cath without it. The doctor came out...said she wasn't ready for the 2nd surgery and he discovered a new defect that she couldn't live with....surgery nor a transplant would help and more than likely we only had a few months left with her. I went through all of that without any help....so-called friends---out the window and family I thought would always be there for me, weren't. The saying is true: in desperate times, you find out who your friends are.
The second test showed she could in fact live with the defect but she still wasn't ready for the 2nd surgery, so the cardiac staff decided on a transplant. It wasn't until then that I realized this wasn't a hurdle or two that we would get past and live normal, but this was going to be a life-long battle. The thought can be so overwhelming. So, in November, dh and I went to our family dr. to get a flu shot....Lauren's docs were in the process of having her listed. Our family doc asked about everything and then looked at me and said "how are you handling all this?" That's when I realized I wasn't. I cried all the time; all the time....from the time I woke up until I went to bed, and even getting up in the middle of the night from not being able to sleep. I was wasting what time I did have with Lauren. He prescribed zoloft. Now, I'm sure I would've made it through the long nights of waiting for the phone to ring, then finding out her surgeon killed himself; and I still get upset at least every other day, but nothing like I was. So, to me, if just that one little pill every night is going to keep me sane, and it's not hurting anything, then why not.
I met so many amazing people during Lauren's hospital stays. One couple that I've stayed in touch with....I met them during Lauren's first surgery; they came up to see us during Lauren's 2nd surgery. They kept telling me how different I was.....lol I guess I truly was a basket case the first time around. And, with time, you learn what you do need to worry about and what you don't. Being in the hospital is like walking across a land mine....one minute everything can be going fine and the next, your child's room is swarming with doctors.
But, we made it....and we'll keep making it....while I wish to God she didn't have anything else to ever have to go through again; I wouldn't change what she has been through. It's made her who she is and I couldn't imagine her any other way.
I still worry sometimes to the point of making myself sick....but I've learned to deal with it. When she says her legs hurt, her arms, her chest...I wonder if it's due to her heart. I have no idea what's in store for Lauren and I guess it's times like this that it kind of gets thrown back in your face (heart cath coming up) that you realize she's not ok and you just never know what you're going to hear at every appointment. She's had 5 heart caths and out of those 5---4 produced bad news. So I'm sure you understand why I'm so apprehensive about them. I'm just so ready for it to be here and gone and for her cardiologist to tell us to come back in about 6 months (hey I can wish).
Dh and I sit around (very seldom) and talk about the last 2 years....I swear it almost seems unreal, everything we've or mostly she has been through. The big pictures is you have a sick child...then there are millions of little things that go along with it. I've met some of the most brilliant people on this planet and some of the most callous. There's one doctor I need to blog about---and I might soon---I need to get him out of my head lol.....such a jerk!!!!!!
Sometimes, I feel like I talk about Lauren's situation too much and other times, not enough. I don't know, it's definitely been the major part of our last 2 years.
Well, this was longer than I intended.......I'm so glad I started blogging!!
So, Friday night I reminded my dh to go to the pharmacy the next morning and pick up one of Lauren's meds and one of mine. He replies with "your crazy medicine". Now, it didn't bother me, really, I know he was kidding; but, it has made me think about it ever since. I mean it's $20 copay per month (not that much) and it affects the way you handle things. But, I don't see myself ever getting off of it....not anytime soon anyway.
I went through Lauren's diagnosis, first surgery, and 7 weeks of being in the hospital and feeling like an emotional train wreck without it. I went through our first 2 months at home (2 of the hardest months of my life--physically & emotionally) without it. And, more importantly, her first heart cath without it. The doctor came out...said she wasn't ready for the 2nd surgery and he discovered a new defect that she couldn't live with....surgery nor a transplant would help and more than likely we only had a few months left with her. I went through all of that without any help....so-called friends---out the window and family I thought would always be there for me, weren't. The saying is true: in desperate times, you find out who your friends are.
The second test showed she could in fact live with the defect but she still wasn't ready for the 2nd surgery, so the cardiac staff decided on a transplant. It wasn't until then that I realized this wasn't a hurdle or two that we would get past and live normal, but this was going to be a life-long battle. The thought can be so overwhelming. So, in November, dh and I went to our family dr. to get a flu shot....Lauren's docs were in the process of having her listed. Our family doc asked about everything and then looked at me and said "how are you handling all this?" That's when I realized I wasn't. I cried all the time; all the time....from the time I woke up until I went to bed, and even getting up in the middle of the night from not being able to sleep. I was wasting what time I did have with Lauren. He prescribed zoloft. Now, I'm sure I would've made it through the long nights of waiting for the phone to ring, then finding out her surgeon killed himself; and I still get upset at least every other day, but nothing like I was. So, to me, if just that one little pill every night is going to keep me sane, and it's not hurting anything, then why not.
I met so many amazing people during Lauren's hospital stays. One couple that I've stayed in touch with....I met them during Lauren's first surgery; they came up to see us during Lauren's 2nd surgery. They kept telling me how different I was.....lol I guess I truly was a basket case the first time around. And, with time, you learn what you do need to worry about and what you don't. Being in the hospital is like walking across a land mine....one minute everything can be going fine and the next, your child's room is swarming with doctors.
But, we made it....and we'll keep making it....while I wish to God she didn't have anything else to ever have to go through again; I wouldn't change what she has been through. It's made her who she is and I couldn't imagine her any other way.
I still worry sometimes to the point of making myself sick....but I've learned to deal with it. When she says her legs hurt, her arms, her chest...I wonder if it's due to her heart. I have no idea what's in store for Lauren and I guess it's times like this that it kind of gets thrown back in your face (heart cath coming up) that you realize she's not ok and you just never know what you're going to hear at every appointment. She's had 5 heart caths and out of those 5---4 produced bad news. So I'm sure you understand why I'm so apprehensive about them. I'm just so ready for it to be here and gone and for her cardiologist to tell us to come back in about 6 months (hey I can wish).
Dh and I sit around (very seldom) and talk about the last 2 years....I swear it almost seems unreal, everything we've or mostly she has been through. The big pictures is you have a sick child...then there are millions of little things that go along with it. I've met some of the most brilliant people on this planet and some of the most callous. There's one doctor I need to blog about---and I might soon---I need to get him out of my head lol.....such a jerk!!!!!!
Sometimes, I feel like I talk about Lauren's situation too much and other times, not enough. I don't know, it's definitely been the major part of our last 2 years.
Well, this was longer than I intended.......I'm so glad I started blogging!!
Saturday, July 22, 2006
My Ghost & Three's Company
***Angel wanted to hear my ghost story and well it's not long enough for a whole post, I'll add it here with my other ramblings for the day..........I grew up in the sticks, seriously, only one store for miles and miles in either direction. Our house was several hundred yards from other houses, but my aunt & uncle lived on the left of us and my dad's parents lived across the pond on the right of us. I was about 8-9 years old, and it had just gotten dark when my mom asked me to run next door to my aunt's to borrow something. I walked out the front door and turned to the left heading toward my aunt's...at the end of our house there was a huge tree, so when I got to it I looked to my left (being the scaredy cat I already was) to make sure there was nothing coming to get me. Imagine to my horror (I mean u never really expect anything to be there) when I looked around our house I see this old woman coming toward me. She didn't float but she didn't seem to be walking. I was completely frozen....the whole time she's coming closer and closer. She wasn't a normal looking person, she had a blue sort of glow all around her almost as if you could see through her but I couldn't. She was really really old and had a hood or scarf around her head and she was carrying something. I finally snapped out of it and ran in the house screaming.
Now to this day---I KNOW I saw this....exactly as described....a few years ago I asked my mom if she remembered it---she remembered me running in the house, terrified and saying I saw something but that's it.......I don't remember what happened after. I don't know if she was my guardian angel (I do believe in those) and something was about to happen---gonna step on a snake, etc. and she was just warning me or well I don't know...but it did happen....I haven't seen her since or had anything else like that happen. So that's my story and well it did make for a lengthy post lol.
For those of you that read my 100 things about me---I found that three's company episode and it's going to air on tvland in a couple of weeks if they keep going in the right order...can't wait! Such a sad little life......
Now to this day---I KNOW I saw this....exactly as described....a few years ago I asked my mom if she remembered it---she remembered me running in the house, terrified and saying I saw something but that's it.......I don't remember what happened after. I don't know if she was my guardian angel (I do believe in those) and something was about to happen---gonna step on a snake, etc. and she was just warning me or well I don't know...but it did happen....I haven't seen her since or had anything else like that happen. So that's my story and well it did make for a lengthy post lol.
For those of you that read my 100 things about me---I found that three's company episode and it's going to air on tvland in a couple of weeks if they keep going in the right order...can't wait! Such a sad little life......
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
The Strength of an Egg
I have a friend whose daughter, Jaden, was born the same day as Lauren. We met on the Littlehearts website & have become very close. Jaden was born with endocardial cushion defect which included hypoplastic left heart syndrome....both Jaden & Lauren have proved the doctors wrong so many times. Tina & I have shared our concerns & our girls' milestones for the last year and a half. She sent this to me today and I just wanted to put it somewhere that I wouldn't lose it :)
The Strength of an Egg
Parents of children with any serious condition are often referred to or viewed as having strength "like a rock." Albeit flattering, it isn't quite true. It is more like the strength of an egg. An egg, you ask? Yes, an egg. If you think about an egg, you will see the point I make.
An egg has a polished smooth outer appearance with no cracks or weak spots visible. It seems almost inconceivable that the inside might not be as smooth and solid as the outside. Most children, at some point in their lifetime, are shown the famous egg trick. An egg set at just the right angle can withstand enormous amounts of pressure and cannot be cracked or broken. Yet that same egg, tapped gently at an even slightly different angle will break. The contents, once so neatly concealed inside, will come spilling out, and the no longer perfect shell will be crushed. Then the shell looks so fragile that it seems inconceivable that it ever held any strength.That is where parents of children with serious medical conditions are more like eggs than rocks.
A rock is solid all the way through. If you tried to break a rock, it would be almost impossible.
If successful, one would find that there was nothing inside but more rock. It takes a lot more than pure hardness to hold the hand of hope. These parents are not solid all the way through. They hurt, they fear, they cry, they hope. It takes a very careful balancing act to keep the shell from being shattered.Balancing an egg while running a household, going for doctor visits and hospital stays, keeping the family together, and holding on to the constantly unraveling ties of your sanity can be very tricky indeed. Occasionally, the angle will be off and the shell will break, shattering hope and the neatly secured appearances of a truly fragile existence. Unlike Humpty Dumpty, though, parents of these kids will pick themselves up and put themselves back together again.
The Strength of an Egg
Parents of children with any serious condition are often referred to or viewed as having strength "like a rock." Albeit flattering, it isn't quite true. It is more like the strength of an egg. An egg, you ask? Yes, an egg. If you think about an egg, you will see the point I make.
An egg has a polished smooth outer appearance with no cracks or weak spots visible. It seems almost inconceivable that the inside might not be as smooth and solid as the outside. Most children, at some point in their lifetime, are shown the famous egg trick. An egg set at just the right angle can withstand enormous amounts of pressure and cannot be cracked or broken. Yet that same egg, tapped gently at an even slightly different angle will break. The contents, once so neatly concealed inside, will come spilling out, and the no longer perfect shell will be crushed. Then the shell looks so fragile that it seems inconceivable that it ever held any strength.That is where parents of children with serious medical conditions are more like eggs than rocks.
A rock is solid all the way through. If you tried to break a rock, it would be almost impossible.
If successful, one would find that there was nothing inside but more rock. It takes a lot more than pure hardness to hold the hand of hope. These parents are not solid all the way through. They hurt, they fear, they cry, they hope. It takes a very careful balancing act to keep the shell from being shattered.Balancing an egg while running a household, going for doctor visits and hospital stays, keeping the family together, and holding on to the constantly unraveling ties of your sanity can be very tricky indeed. Occasionally, the angle will be off and the shell will break, shattering hope and the neatly secured appearances of a truly fragile existence. Unlike Humpty Dumpty, though, parents of these kids will pick themselves up and put themselves back together again.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Wrapping it up....
76--I love swimming w/my dh & kiddos :)
77--I can't wait to do Jordan's den & some other little things around the house
78--I love blueberry muffins
79--Lauren & I have played just about everything there is to play today--who can resist "mommy play with me"
80--I love children's books
81--and the bookstore--any bookstore--used, new, doesn't matter
82--We bought Jordan the Pirates of the Carribean Life game--so fun
83--we also love phase 10--the card game
84--my brother and I have a saying that's about 22-23 years old--wubm--short for love em--love you
85--I'm so tired today ugh
86--I love Friends reruns
87--I'm burnt out on so many others--cosby, roseanne, etc.
88--there's a three's company episode that I NEED to find---Jordan and I used to lay in bed when she was about 6 or 7 and watch it and laugh so hard at Jack--there was this one episode we watched--we were both crying---I haven't seen it since :(
89--I soo need to go get Lauren's picture taken
90--I
91--am
92--sick
93--of
94--doing
95--this
96--I've never broken a bone or had stiches other than surgery
97--Lauren just said "play with me one more time--last time ok?"
98--so I need to go play w/my kid
99--my new Lost puzzle is extremely hard
100-yeah 100--if you read them all that means u really really love me!!!!!
77--I can't wait to do Jordan's den & some other little things around the house
78--I love blueberry muffins
79--Lauren & I have played just about everything there is to play today--who can resist "mommy play with me"
80--I love children's books
81--and the bookstore--any bookstore--used, new, doesn't matter
82--We bought Jordan the Pirates of the Carribean Life game--so fun
83--we also love phase 10--the card game
84--my brother and I have a saying that's about 22-23 years old--wubm--short for love em--love you
85--I'm so tired today ugh
86--I love Friends reruns
87--I'm burnt out on so many others--cosby, roseanne, etc.
88--there's a three's company episode that I NEED to find---Jordan and I used to lay in bed when she was about 6 or 7 and watch it and laugh so hard at Jack--there was this one episode we watched--we were both crying---I haven't seen it since :(
89--I soo need to go get Lauren's picture taken
90--I
91--am
92--sick
93--of
94--doing
95--this
96--I've never broken a bone or had stiches other than surgery
97--Lauren just said "play with me one more time--last time ok?"
98--so I need to go play w/my kid
99--my new Lost puzzle is extremely hard
100-yeah 100--if you read them all that means u really really love me!!!!!
51-75
51--I love love board games esp. Monopoly --- thanks Angel :)
52--I worry entirely too much---thanks Ruthie :)
53--I love to watch Sylvia Browne on Montel--don't believe every little thing--but love to watch her!
54--I was co-editor of my school newspaper
55--Also was on the yearbook staff---several pages in it were done all by myself :)
56--I've met Alabama (the group) 3 different times & saw them in concert 8 times
57--I've also met Jeff Foxworthy--loved him--his autograph is in Jordan's time capsule
58--I love camaros
59--I hate bugs---any kind
60--I love volleyball & badminton
61--Our 4-wheeler was stolen right out of our front yard in broad daylight when Jordan was a baby
62--Lauren & I sleep on the couch---whole other post and not due to a marital problem
63--I bet you're all still in disbelief on #62--but it's true--haven't slept in my bed or should I say dh's bed in 2 years
64--I am completely addicted to diet mountain dew
65--I cook spaghetti entirely too much
66--I cry when I'm mad---also thanks to ruthie
67--I can't talk when I'm crying--I just sound like a blubbering mess
68--I love Max Lucado
69--I don't hate but have no desire whatsoever to see star wars movies, superman, batman, etc.
70--I love Kenny Chesney
71--I've also seen Hank Jr. in concert about 7 times
72--I love jigsaw puzzles
73--haven't worked a crossword puzzle since Lauren was in the hospital--guess I got burnt out on them
74--I love nintendo--esp. animal crossing & mario
75--I wish they would come out w/a new mario
52--I worry entirely too much---thanks Ruthie :)
53--I love to watch Sylvia Browne on Montel--don't believe every little thing--but love to watch her!
54--I was co-editor of my school newspaper
55--Also was on the yearbook staff---several pages in it were done all by myself :)
56--I've met Alabama (the group) 3 different times & saw them in concert 8 times
57--I've also met Jeff Foxworthy--loved him--his autograph is in Jordan's time capsule
58--I love camaros
59--I hate bugs---any kind
60--I love volleyball & badminton
61--Our 4-wheeler was stolen right out of our front yard in broad daylight when Jordan was a baby
62--Lauren & I sleep on the couch---whole other post and not due to a marital problem
63--I bet you're all still in disbelief on #62--but it's true--haven't slept in my bed or should I say dh's bed in 2 years
64--I am completely addicted to diet mountain dew
65--I cook spaghetti entirely too much
66--I cry when I'm mad---also thanks to ruthie
67--I can't talk when I'm crying--I just sound like a blubbering mess
68--I love Max Lucado
69--I don't hate but have no desire whatsoever to see star wars movies, superman, batman, etc.
70--I love Kenny Chesney
71--I've also seen Hank Jr. in concert about 7 times
72--I love jigsaw puzzles
73--haven't worked a crossword puzzle since Lauren was in the hospital--guess I got burnt out on them
74--I love nintendo--esp. animal crossing & mario
75--I wish they would come out w/a new mario
Monday, July 17, 2006
Some more of the 100 Things cont.
26--Did I mention this was harder than I thought---ummmm I've written 3 children's short stories, and am now working on my big story about Lauren.
27--I hate to cook---I think it's because I can't think of anything new to cook.
28--I love flea markets/antique stores.
29--When we told Jordan we were expecting Lauren--she was so excited she laughed & cried--which made me laugh & cry---we let her tell everyone
30--Have I ever mentioned that I truly love Lost?
31--And Survivor---if I wouldn't die from missing my kids so much I'd try out in a heartbeat
32--I HATE doing the family business' taxes--but it would be an even bigger pain trying to teach anyone of them to do it
33--I love everything Disney--the store, place, movies, etc.
34--My kitchen is done in Mickey Americana
35--I love to make up new posts on invision, but I worry that I get on people's nerves ;)
36--I've been certified in medical transcription, computers, and paralegal---the only field I worked in tho was computers
37--I love the Stephanie Plum books by Janet Evanovich--hope they make a movie
38--I love watching Christmas movies
39--My fave color is red
40--100 is going to be impossible--I sleep in my contacts
41--I'm petrified of the dentist
42--My first ob/gyn--started going to him well when it was time to start going to that sorta dr., he delivered Jordan---saw him for about 10 years--he committed suicide 4 years ago
43--I made my current gyn promise me she was stable after Lauren's 1st heart surgeon killed himself last year
44--I've seen a ghost before--just once
45--I've never fainted but came close a few days after Lauren was diagnosed w/heart defects -- from pure exhaustion
46--I love The Olive Garden
47--I took piano lessons when I was about 10-12---can't play a lick now
48--My favorite movies are An Affair to Remember, Remember the Titans, & Twister
49--I used to LOVE horror movies---now I hate them
50--die hard LOTR fan
to be cont.
27--I hate to cook---I think it's because I can't think of anything new to cook.
28--I love flea markets/antique stores.
29--When we told Jordan we were expecting Lauren--she was so excited she laughed & cried--which made me laugh & cry---we let her tell everyone
30--Have I ever mentioned that I truly love Lost?
31--And Survivor---if I wouldn't die from missing my kids so much I'd try out in a heartbeat
32--I HATE doing the family business' taxes--but it would be an even bigger pain trying to teach anyone of them to do it
33--I love everything Disney--the store, place, movies, etc.
34--My kitchen is done in Mickey Americana
35--I love to make up new posts on invision, but I worry that I get on people's nerves ;)
36--I've been certified in medical transcription, computers, and paralegal---the only field I worked in tho was computers
37--I love the Stephanie Plum books by Janet Evanovich--hope they make a movie
38--I love watching Christmas movies
39--My fave color is red
40--100 is going to be impossible--I sleep in my contacts
41--I'm petrified of the dentist
42--My first ob/gyn--started going to him well when it was time to start going to that sorta dr., he delivered Jordan---saw him for about 10 years--he committed suicide 4 years ago
43--I made my current gyn promise me she was stable after Lauren's 1st heart surgeon killed himself last year
44--I've seen a ghost before--just once
45--I've never fainted but came close a few days after Lauren was diagnosed w/heart defects -- from pure exhaustion
46--I love The Olive Garden
47--I took piano lessons when I was about 10-12---can't play a lick now
48--My favorite movies are An Affair to Remember, Remember the Titans, & Twister
49--I used to LOVE horror movies---now I hate them
50--die hard LOTR fan
to be cont.
100 Things About Me
Well, I guess I better do this since it was my idea........let's see if I can come up with 100 :)
1--I love to clean my house---almost to the point of being obsessive ;)
2--I love storms
3--I am very optimistic
4--my whole life revolves around my 2 girls---can't imagine what it will be like when they grow up :(
5--I loved homeschooling Jordan--everything about it--buying the books, planning, etc.
6--I love to organize and be organized
7--I graduated with 35 other people--small school :) we've lost 3 :(
8--Had my first drink at 18--got drunk--and very sick
9--love road trips -- probably noticed that on pw :)
10--I'll get on a kick re: something about me and stay on it for weeks--for example--knot on my neck, bump on my lip, I could go on and on
11--this is gonna be harder than i thought--I guess I jump the gun sometimes
12--I'm not a big shopper--I'll think about a big purchase forever before I actually buy it
13--I hate buying new clothes--simply because I'm not happy w/my weight
14--I never ever dreamed I'd meet friends online--I thought people that did, were weird
15--my parents both come from a family of 3 boys & one girl---both of their moms are named helen
16--I miss my father-in-law terribly--wish Jordan had been old enough to remember him & that Lauren could've met him
17--I've been rejected by publishers about 7-8 times...but isn't that what happens to all great writers? --------j/k
18--my brother is an amazing singer/songwriter/performer---I think he missed his calling :(
19--I can tell you just about anything you want to know about the heart --something I never imagined I'd know
20--I love to scrapbook and have completed about 13 albums
21--I have no problem confronting doctors (something else I thought I'd never do)
22--I'm addicted to this laptop & well I guess it's called invision? not pw anymore lol
23--I love ebay--buying & selling
24--I do love to shop for Christmas but only online or at toys r us
25--I love planning Jordan & Lauren's birthdays
Ok there's 25---I'll finish in a bit :)
1--I love to clean my house---almost to the point of being obsessive ;)
2--I love storms
3--I am very optimistic
4--my whole life revolves around my 2 girls---can't imagine what it will be like when they grow up :(
5--I loved homeschooling Jordan--everything about it--buying the books, planning, etc.
6--I love to organize and be organized
7--I graduated with 35 other people--small school :) we've lost 3 :(
8--Had my first drink at 18--got drunk--and very sick
9--love road trips -- probably noticed that on pw :)
10--I'll get on a kick re: something about me and stay on it for weeks--for example--knot on my neck, bump on my lip, I could go on and on
11--this is gonna be harder than i thought--I guess I jump the gun sometimes
12--I'm not a big shopper--I'll think about a big purchase forever before I actually buy it
13--I hate buying new clothes--simply because I'm not happy w/my weight
14--I never ever dreamed I'd meet friends online--I thought people that did, were weird
15--my parents both come from a family of 3 boys & one girl---both of their moms are named helen
16--I miss my father-in-law terribly--wish Jordan had been old enough to remember him & that Lauren could've met him
17--I've been rejected by publishers about 7-8 times...but isn't that what happens to all great writers? --------j/k
18--my brother is an amazing singer/songwriter/performer---I think he missed his calling :(
19--I can tell you just about anything you want to know about the heart --something I never imagined I'd know
20--I love to scrapbook and have completed about 13 albums
21--I have no problem confronting doctors (something else I thought I'd never do)
22--I'm addicted to this laptop & well I guess it's called invision? not pw anymore lol
23--I love ebay--buying & selling
24--I do love to shop for Christmas but only online or at toys r us
25--I love planning Jordan & Lauren's birthdays
Ok there's 25---I'll finish in a bit :)
Mo' Money.........
That's what I need--ugh! I just called and got Jordan set up for dentist, eye, & hair appointments before school starts.....she's set on going :( But, I seriously need to get over it and I will---I'll just miss her. She's overdue for a cleaning; been a few years since she had her eyes checked---so that needs to be done, esp. seeing how dh & I both wear glasses/contacts....and I have horrible eyes; and she wants her hair done---drastically done! She has the most beautiful head of hair ---- but it is so hard to take care of, thick & curly. She wants it straightened and highlighted. It will look great and she always feels so much more confident when she gets her hair done. Well, I guess we all do :) Not to mention, clothes shopping---she needs everything. Being at home the last 2 years, the poor kid hasn't gotten many new clothes. So--we need an unexpected windfall---yeah, that'll happen.......
I called the school and I can't register her until the 31st. It's a completely different campus than where she went during k-3....and it's huge!
Still no heart cath date. I guess they'll call closer to the end of the month. I'm so ready for August to be over with.
Let's see....Lauren has been in a much much better mood, but I know her molars are still bothering her because she'll put her finger in her mouth and say mouth hurts....stupid teeth!
No recent leg cramps so I guess we got that one figured out.
I seriously have nothing left to talk about..........but noone is updating their blog so I thought I'd get the ball rolling.....hint :)
Oh------for one of your upcoming blog entries------tell me 100 things about you; even if I've heard it before.......I'll do one later today.
I called the school and I can't register her until the 31st. It's a completely different campus than where she went during k-3....and it's huge!
Still no heart cath date. I guess they'll call closer to the end of the month. I'm so ready for August to be over with.
Let's see....Lauren has been in a much much better mood, but I know her molars are still bothering her because she'll put her finger in her mouth and say mouth hurts....stupid teeth!
No recent leg cramps so I guess we got that one figured out.
I seriously have nothing left to talk about..........but noone is updating their blog so I thought I'd get the ball rolling.....hint :)
Oh------for one of your upcoming blog entries------tell me 100 things about you; even if I've heard it before.......I'll do one later today.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
And the answer is no..........
Chicken Soup turned me down. I got the email earlier today---I honestly can't believe it; I put a LOT of effort into the proposal & I know in my heart that it's a great idea. They said it was due to scheduling & the fact that they already had similar books in the works---I knew they were working on one about families w/children w/disabilities; but heart defects are just a whole different category in my opinion; of course, before Lauren I wouldn't have thought that. I know there are some birth defects/childhood illnesses that require meds, numerous dr appt. and surgeries; but not like heart defects---the serious ones require a lifetime of surgeries, meds, and checkups. I'm not saying heart defects are worse than say autism or down syndrome but I really don't understand why they feel the need to lump it all into one category. They didn't even comment on the proposal---I almost feel like they saw the subject and didn't even bother. The statistics on heart defects are staggering so sales would not have been a problem. Ugh---stupid people!But I'm not going to give up----parents need to know things that the doctors don't tell them----like meeting milestones, dealing with so many different doctors, etc. So, I just have to find the right person interested. Thanks everyone for pulling for me--------it will happen eventually!!!!
Monday, July 10, 2006
That's queen bitch to you........
So, yesterday was weird----99% of the time I just keep my mouth shut---I just don't see the point in fighting with someone online--there's no winner--just witnesses to see how ridiculous you can be if provoked. But, this time it just struck a nerve and the only point I could see in her post was to just be mean. And, obviously, I was right because she just got meaner. But, today it's not such a big deal---it would be if it had been someone I really cared about---but then they wouldn't ever do anything so childish.
And, maybe she just caught me at a really bad time---I am having so much anxiety about Lauren's heart cath, Jordan going back to school, and just other changes around here I just don't care too much for. And, my house has felt like grand central station this last week....we had over 50 people here on the 4th (not my idea) but it did turn out ok---except for my grandma's checks were stolen out of my mom's house---that's been an ordeal in itself---she and my aunt were in my mom's bedroom going over grandma's bills, etc., they had the checks with the bills. They came over to our house to eat & watch fireworks...the next morning the checks were gone. She's looked everywhere and there were a few people we didn't know (friends of friends) in and out of both of our houses. So, she had to have a stop put on the checks and have new ones reissued.
So, it's just been a yucky week and I'm hoping this one is better. I need something fun to happen (oh i don't know like hearing good news from chicken soup????)----I wish!!!
And, maybe she just caught me at a really bad time---I am having so much anxiety about Lauren's heart cath, Jordan going back to school, and just other changes around here I just don't care too much for. And, my house has felt like grand central station this last week....we had over 50 people here on the 4th (not my idea) but it did turn out ok---except for my grandma's checks were stolen out of my mom's house---that's been an ordeal in itself---she and my aunt were in my mom's bedroom going over grandma's bills, etc., they had the checks with the bills. They came over to our house to eat & watch fireworks...the next morning the checks were gone. She's looked everywhere and there were a few people we didn't know (friends of friends) in and out of both of our houses. So, she had to have a stop put on the checks and have new ones reissued.
So, it's just been a yucky week and I'm hoping this one is better. I need something fun to happen (oh i don't know like hearing good news from chicken soup????)----I wish!!!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
A few people are bugging me...
and maybe...just maybe...this will make me feel better :)
Plus I believe I have major pms---my mom thinks so anyway, so I guess this is the safest thing to do!!
***one girl on my message board is seriously getting on my nerves, but it's not just in the last couple of days so I figure she really does bug me...I honestly believe she's itching to start trouble...I wish she didn't post so much on this new board...blah!
***and another one I think I'm gonna completely as Phoebe says--"cut out" seriously I don't think she'd notice. At first it bothered me, but seriously this is a message board on the internet---why in the world should I care---but it actually dawned on me today--that I don't so much like her either.
***then B. pleeeeeeeze slow down!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is bugging the holy hell out of me that I can't really say what I think....I'd honestly die before I ever hurt you, but something is just not right. I have such a bad feeling, and I think it's the age difference, but also I miss J...........just wouldn't ever tell her that.....
***my grandma---I know she's sick but she's also meaner than a snake---she's never gonna change---I wish my mom would just cut her out :)
That's it for now---I know it doesn't make much sense but I feel a little better :)
Plus I believe I have major pms---my mom thinks so anyway, so I guess this is the safest thing to do!!
***one girl on my message board is seriously getting on my nerves, but it's not just in the last couple of days so I figure she really does bug me...I honestly believe she's itching to start trouble...I wish she didn't post so much on this new board...blah!
***and another one I think I'm gonna completely as Phoebe says--"cut out" seriously I don't think she'd notice. At first it bothered me, but seriously this is a message board on the internet---why in the world should I care---but it actually dawned on me today--that I don't so much like her either.
***then B. pleeeeeeeze slow down!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is bugging the holy hell out of me that I can't really say what I think....I'd honestly die before I ever hurt you, but something is just not right. I have such a bad feeling, and I think it's the age difference, but also I miss J...........just wouldn't ever tell her that.....
***my grandma---I know she's sick but she's also meaner than a snake---she's never gonna change---I wish my mom would just cut her out :)
That's it for now---I know it doesn't make much sense but I feel a little better :)
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Jordan's Hollywood Hideaway
Well, it's quite a bit smaller than I had hoped but maybe u get the idea----Jordan's den is pretty big w/one whole wall of cabinets/entertainment center build-in----I want a hardwood floor and a red carpet runner.......stuff on her walls----the hollywood street signs, film reels, and these are the movie posters we've already bought---plus she wants twister and remember the titans. Stuff to put around the room on her desk, shelves, etc ---is film strip picture frames, popcorn boxes to hide little stuff, and we're getting her & Lauren a star made like the walk of fame and they sell fake oscars :) We're going to build seating against 2 of her walls w/red cushions on top and red throw pillows......I can't wait to get started!!!
Just like my blog title---this is just some random blogging :)
Everything is going really well around here. My mom took my 2 girls to her house last night for a couple of hours---dh and I got in some much needed quality time....we hung out in the pool and I drank a B&J daiquiri cooler---seriously the first time I've drank in forever---and talked & talked----I really enjoyed it!
Lauren's room has me a little overwhelmed---I've taken on quite the project of painting a Franklin mural on one of her walls---I've got it 85% drawn---I just hope it turns out like it is in my head! I think she'll love it. We finally have ideas for Jordan's den---I'll post a separate post for it and show you our ideas---I can't wait to start it.
My grandma seems to be doing good at the nursing home--Mom went and saw her yesterday for the first time---grandma treated her really good----I am happy about that! She still thinks she's going to get to come home soon, but everyone is just going to let her think that. It isn't impossible if the new meds they've put her on get her straightened out.
So, my brother is getting married again------she is so nice and a fantastic mom. Madison and Karli (my 2 neices) are crazy about her. I've got to admit that I miss Jill--his ex--for 10 years she and I either saw each other or talked on the phone every single day. I haven't seen or talked to her in over 6 months---I just can't believe how she changed so quickly. It's almost like she died...I just never dreamed she'd do the stuff she's done.
My mom has got her hopes up so high for something and I hope it happens for her---she and her 3 brothers & half-sister filed a lawsuit against the VA (veteran's hospital) for the lack of treatment and ultimate demise of my grandpa. I am one of those people that does not believe in "lawsuit happy" people against the medical field, but in this case they are horribly in the wrong. They sent my grandpa home having a massive heart attack and told him he had heartburn. Then when my mom took him back, he laid there and had another one---they didn't do ANYTHING for him---finally got him moved to another hospital---they immediately took him to surgery but he just never recovered. He was such a good-hearted person---he died 4 days after I had Lauren. Anyway, they've contacted my mom's brother and supposedly they've won the suit and are being given a large sum of money to split between the kids---I hope it does happen---my Mom needs a break!
Hmmm what else---oh---Jordan wants to go back to school this fall---I sooooo don't want her to...it's so different than when I was in school....I'm not telling her she can't go; I'm encouraging her the best I can....but i still wish she'd change her mind. People just sometimes act so differently about kids that are homeschooled---I had no idea---but are circumstances were quite different---and it really did work for us---Jordan & Lauren have for the most part been extremely healthy the last 2 years---usually Jordan would have been on antibiotics 3-4 times each year. I'll miss her :( But, she still won't let me call the school and have her re-admitted yet, so she's not 100% sure she's going back. I really just love having her home, teaching her, making plans w/o having to go around a schedule, not to mention how much time Lauren was in the hospital last year--we just never know when she'll need something else done. Don't get me wrong---Jordan still needs to have a life too, but I'm just being selfish :)
I think that's it for now!
Lauren's room has me a little overwhelmed---I've taken on quite the project of painting a Franklin mural on one of her walls---I've got it 85% drawn---I just hope it turns out like it is in my head! I think she'll love it. We finally have ideas for Jordan's den---I'll post a separate post for it and show you our ideas---I can't wait to start it.
My grandma seems to be doing good at the nursing home--Mom went and saw her yesterday for the first time---grandma treated her really good----I am happy about that! She still thinks she's going to get to come home soon, but everyone is just going to let her think that. It isn't impossible if the new meds they've put her on get her straightened out.
So, my brother is getting married again------she is so nice and a fantastic mom. Madison and Karli (my 2 neices) are crazy about her. I've got to admit that I miss Jill--his ex--for 10 years she and I either saw each other or talked on the phone every single day. I haven't seen or talked to her in over 6 months---I just can't believe how she changed so quickly. It's almost like she died...I just never dreamed she'd do the stuff she's done.
My mom has got her hopes up so high for something and I hope it happens for her---she and her 3 brothers & half-sister filed a lawsuit against the VA (veteran's hospital) for the lack of treatment and ultimate demise of my grandpa. I am one of those people that does not believe in "lawsuit happy" people against the medical field, but in this case they are horribly in the wrong. They sent my grandpa home having a massive heart attack and told him he had heartburn. Then when my mom took him back, he laid there and had another one---they didn't do ANYTHING for him---finally got him moved to another hospital---they immediately took him to surgery but he just never recovered. He was such a good-hearted person---he died 4 days after I had Lauren. Anyway, they've contacted my mom's brother and supposedly they've won the suit and are being given a large sum of money to split between the kids---I hope it does happen---my Mom needs a break!
Hmmm what else---oh---Jordan wants to go back to school this fall---I sooooo don't want her to...it's so different than when I was in school....I'm not telling her she can't go; I'm encouraging her the best I can....but i still wish she'd change her mind. People just sometimes act so differently about kids that are homeschooled---I had no idea---but are circumstances were quite different---and it really did work for us---Jordan & Lauren have for the most part been extremely healthy the last 2 years---usually Jordan would have been on antibiotics 3-4 times each year. I'll miss her :( But, she still won't let me call the school and have her re-admitted yet, so she's not 100% sure she's going back. I really just love having her home, teaching her, making plans w/o having to go around a schedule, not to mention how much time Lauren was in the hospital last year--we just never know when she'll need something else done. Don't get me wrong---Jordan still needs to have a life too, but I'm just being selfish :)
I think that's it for now!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Little Bit of Everything
Let's see.....been a while since I posted. I've accomplished everything I had on my to-do list in the last month, so yay me! Sent off my book proposal--now it's in their hands. I probably won't hear anything until at least August. I had my yard sale last weekend--it went pretty good--got rid of quite a bit of stuff that was either not being played with or not being worn. Seen a few old acquaintances that I only see when I have yard sales lol. Then I listed my stuff on ebay--didn't do just great, but then again I had to start all over w/a new name and sometimes people are skeptical of buying from a newbie. We've officially started our Reynolds' swimming season! Lauren just loves the water, but I worry so much about overexposing her to the sun/heat. She seems fine, but still....guess worrying about her is nothing new. Jordan and I both blistered today. Right now it doesn't hurt, but I imagine it will by tomorrow.
If you haven't read about Susan Polk yet on courttv.com you are missing out lol....she now says she's psychic and that her husband was a spy. This story just gets more and more bizarre! You read it here first---this WILL be a Lifetime movie or at least a movie of the week. No doubt about it! I don't know what got me interested in crimelibrary.com but I check it at least once every other day. It is so disturbing to know that there are so many people just out right missing! Could you imagine someone you love (I'm not even talking about our kids--not going there!) just up and disappearing? I just can't even fathom the thought. Of course, the worst part is that they're usually, eventually, found, but no longer living. Sick, sick world we live in.
Well, I know I had a lot more to say but now I'm blank! So, guess that's it for now!
If you haven't read about Susan Polk yet on courttv.com you are missing out lol....she now says she's psychic and that her husband was a spy. This story just gets more and more bizarre! You read it here first---this WILL be a Lifetime movie or at least a movie of the week. No doubt about it! I don't know what got me interested in crimelibrary.com but I check it at least once every other day. It is so disturbing to know that there are so many people just out right missing! Could you imagine someone you love (I'm not even talking about our kids--not going there!) just up and disappearing? I just can't even fathom the thought. Of course, the worst part is that they're usually, eventually, found, but no longer living. Sick, sick world we live in.
Well, I know I had a lot more to say but now I'm blank! So, guess that's it for now!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Wonderful Day!!!
Today, my mom and I took Lauren for her cardio appt. I can't believe how good she was! She still cried some, but nothing like her normal! Dr. Moss just couldn't believe how good she's doing! I was so thrilled when she said we'd hold off on the cath until August. Right now, Lauren just doesn't seem to need any adjustments to her stent or coarc repair. Maybe by August she will and we'll really be glad we waited!
For those of you who knew---I've completed my proposal and it's sealed and ready to be mailed!!!! Now it's up to them! For those that didn't know lol--I'm submitting a book title proposal to the Chicken Soup for the Soul production team. It was really quite a process; I also had to include three stories. I think they turned out pretty good. My title proposal is for chd families. I soooo hope it is accepted!!!! Even if they just agree to do the title and I don't have anything to do with it, I'll be happy; of course, I'd really be happy if I get to co-author the book. There's not a lot of money involved, but that's not my reason for doing it. I've really put myself out there by telling several people (mostly pw gals :) but at least I tried!
Monica has got me riled up to get my house more organized :) Really, I do this about 4-5 x a year; this time I'm getting ready for a garage sale and I want to sell some stuff on e-bay.
Cindy had this great suggestion for motivation -- it's called COW (concepts on a wall) -- basically you just use sticky notes and write ideas and put them on a wall (or in my case poster board)--then go back and organize it. It really makes things so much easier to tackle when you see the steps you need to accomplish. By doing this I've accomplished the following in just 3 days: cleaned out 4 rooms so far for yard sale/ebay; finished my proposal; signed up to sale on ebay and got a paypal account; and of course, still cooked and cleaned and played w/the kiddos :) It really works!!!
For those of you who knew---I've completed my proposal and it's sealed and ready to be mailed!!!! Now it's up to them! For those that didn't know lol--I'm submitting a book title proposal to the Chicken Soup for the Soul production team. It was really quite a process; I also had to include three stories. I think they turned out pretty good. My title proposal is for chd families. I soooo hope it is accepted!!!! Even if they just agree to do the title and I don't have anything to do with it, I'll be happy; of course, I'd really be happy if I get to co-author the book. There's not a lot of money involved, but that's not my reason for doing it. I've really put myself out there by telling several people (mostly pw gals :) but at least I tried!
Monica has got me riled up to get my house more organized :) Really, I do this about 4-5 x a year; this time I'm getting ready for a garage sale and I want to sell some stuff on e-bay.
Cindy had this great suggestion for motivation -- it's called COW (concepts on a wall) -- basically you just use sticky notes and write ideas and put them on a wall (or in my case poster board)--then go back and organize it. It really makes things so much easier to tackle when you see the steps you need to accomplish. By doing this I've accomplished the following in just 3 days: cleaned out 4 rooms so far for yard sale/ebay; finished my proposal; signed up to sale on ebay and got a paypal account; and of course, still cooked and cleaned and played w/the kiddos :) It really works!!!
Monday, May 08, 2006
Stolen From Angel........
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Ugh...........
2. When is the next time you will go on a date? No idea.......
.3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR". poor
4. Favorite planet? Have to go w/Earth
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile? probably dh
6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? just the normal ring
7. What shirt are you wearing? yellow t-shirt
8. Do you "label" yourself? like Angel said "wtf does that mean?"
9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing? None on, otherwise would be Nikes
10. Bright or Dark Room? bright
11. What do you think about the last person who took this? She's awesome :)
12. If you're alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on? when in the hell would I be alone in a room w/2 beds?????
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching Remember the Titans, trying to fall asleep
14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say? dunno
15. Where is your letter box? again, like Angel said "Is that my mail box? It's in front of my house"
16. What's a word or phrase that you say a lot? Quit it! Stop!
17.Who told you he/she loved you last? Davo
18. Last furry thing you touched? stuffed animals
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? zero
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? zero
21. Favorite age you have been so far? 30 was a good age
22.Your worst enemy? few people I don't care for but no real enemies
23. What is your current desktop picture? Pooh
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? Lauren, what do you want to watch?
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? A million bucks
26. Do you like someone? Yes
27. The last song you listened to? Aerosmith-Jaded-Jordan had the radio on out back shooting hoops
28. If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, would you jump in front of the bullet? Yep!
29. If you could punch 1 person in the face who's in your life right now, who would it be? Dr. F at ACH--would enjoy it too much :)
30. What is the closest object to your left foot right now? couch pillow
2. When is the next time you will go on a date? No idea.......
.3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR". poor
4. Favorite planet? Have to go w/Earth
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile? probably dh
6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? just the normal ring
7. What shirt are you wearing? yellow t-shirt
8. Do you "label" yourself? like Angel said "wtf does that mean?"
9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing? None on, otherwise would be Nikes
10. Bright or Dark Room? bright
11. What do you think about the last person who took this? She's awesome :)
12. If you're alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on? when in the hell would I be alone in a room w/2 beds?????
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching Remember the Titans, trying to fall asleep
14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say? dunno
15. Where is your letter box? again, like Angel said "Is that my mail box? It's in front of my house"
16. What's a word or phrase that you say a lot? Quit it! Stop!
17.Who told you he/she loved you last? Davo
18. Last furry thing you touched? stuffed animals
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? zero
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? zero
21. Favorite age you have been so far? 30 was a good age
22.Your worst enemy? few people I don't care for but no real enemies
23. What is your current desktop picture? Pooh
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? Lauren, what do you want to watch?
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? A million bucks
26. Do you like someone? Yes
27. The last song you listened to? Aerosmith-Jaded-Jordan had the radio on out back shooting hoops
28. If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, would you jump in front of the bullet? Yep!
29. If you could punch 1 person in the face who's in your life right now, who would it be? Dr. F at ACH--would enjoy it too much :)
30. What is the closest object to your left foot right now? couch pillow
Friday, May 05, 2006
Lost.......
Lost is completely blowing my mind! I cannot remember a show ever keeping me hooked like this one has! Absolutely love it! I seriously could not pick my jaw off the floor after Michael shot Ana. I had a feeling he would come back bad, but I was still shocked! So, there's only 2 things that can be happening with Michael 1--he has been brainwashed/drugged or 2--following orders to get Walt back. The others obviously wanted Ana dead because she killed Goodwin. Libby happened to be at the wrong place/wrong time. I just wish they'd communicate more---Kate should've spoke up when Michael said they were dirty/worse off than the Losties....she's seen the costumes/makeup. And, just when Jack & Locke were seeming to start getting along---Locke tells him too little too late about Henry trying to kill Ana :( Now, Jack will certainly be pissed at Locke again! Jack is my absolute favorite! Love Sawyer, Kate, Locke, and Sayid, but Jack is probably 70% of why I watch the show!
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
The Coolest Thing Happened Last Night
Little background: Michael Ruhlman wrote a book called Walk on Water a few years ago about the life of a pediatric heart surgeon. He followed Dr. Roger Mee-the head pediatric heart surgeon-around the Cleveland Clinic for a year and a half gathering info for his book.
Forward to last year---I'm surfing the net, trying to find books on congenital heart defects -- unfortunately, there aren't very many -- and I come across this book--so I order it. During Lauren's hospital stay last summer, I read it. Now, I knew that Lauren's first heart surgeon, Dr. Drummond-Webb, once worked at the Cleveland Clinic with Dr. Mee, but I didn't know when. He was all through the book---so it kept me very interested to read more about him---I was also interested in the surgeon's perspective of heart surgery. While at Lauren's bedside one day, Dr. Ula (her anesthesiologist) came in. I had the book with me. He told me that he was also at the Cleveland Clinic during the time the writer was there. I didn't know that he and Dr. Imamura (Lauren's 2nd heart surgeon) both came to Arkansas Children's with Dr. Drummond-Webb.
Some of you may remember that Dr. Drummond-Webb committed suicide December 26, 2004. So, this book means a lot to me for many different reasons---one is---Lauren will have something for when she's older to tell her more about her first heart surgeon.
So, about a week ago---I sent him an e-mail and here's what it said:
Mr. Ruhlman I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate the time and effort it took to write Walk on Water. During the time your book was released, I would've never imagined I would ever need to read a book like this. However, we were put into this whole new world two years ago, and after my daughter's diagnosis, I went in search of as many books as I could find about heart defects. Your book stood out to me because I was interested in the surgeon's perspective. Unfortunately, there aren't many books about chd's...something that I hope changes soon. Your book is something we will keep forever. Dr. Drummond-Webb performed my daughter's first open-heart surgery. We loved him very much, and his death hit us very hard. We're glad our daughter, Lauren, will have something to tell her a little more about the kind of person he was. Lauren was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome at 8 days old. She'd been home with us for 5 days before fallilng ill. It's been quite the roller-coaster ride, of course, she's absolutely worth it! Dr. Imamura (you may have met him also) performed Lauren's 2nd surgery last May. She'd spent months on the transplant list before her heart function was good enough for the 2nd stage. It was a long and hard recovery. I was reading your book at her bedside one day, when Dr. Ula (anesthesia) walked in and told me he was at Cleveland while you were there. Anyway, we have a couple of people in common! I'm not one of those moms that says just fix her.....I want her fixed and I try to understand as much as possible everything that is going on with her. Your book helped me a lot and I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it! Jeannie Reynolds
And, last night---He REPLIED!!!! I just thought it was so cool!!!!!
Jeannie,Thanks so much for writing. It's good to know my book helps. I've been close to people going through what your'e going through and i can't completely imagine it. Jonathan was a good surgeon and you were lucky to have him. I hope Lauren continues to improve and moves on well to that third stage. She's very lucky to have you.All best wishes and thanks again,Michael
Just wanted to share lol---not much excitement around here!! And, it's a good thing he has editors lol!
Forward to last year---I'm surfing the net, trying to find books on congenital heart defects -- unfortunately, there aren't very many -- and I come across this book--so I order it. During Lauren's hospital stay last summer, I read it. Now, I knew that Lauren's first heart surgeon, Dr. Drummond-Webb, once worked at the Cleveland Clinic with Dr. Mee, but I didn't know when. He was all through the book---so it kept me very interested to read more about him---I was also interested in the surgeon's perspective of heart surgery. While at Lauren's bedside one day, Dr. Ula (her anesthesiologist) came in. I had the book with me. He told me that he was also at the Cleveland Clinic during the time the writer was there. I didn't know that he and Dr. Imamura (Lauren's 2nd heart surgeon) both came to Arkansas Children's with Dr. Drummond-Webb.
Some of you may remember that Dr. Drummond-Webb committed suicide December 26, 2004. So, this book means a lot to me for many different reasons---one is---Lauren will have something for when she's older to tell her more about her first heart surgeon.
So, about a week ago---I sent him an e-mail and here's what it said:
Mr. Ruhlman I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate the time and effort it took to write Walk on Water. During the time your book was released, I would've never imagined I would ever need to read a book like this. However, we were put into this whole new world two years ago, and after my daughter's diagnosis, I went in search of as many books as I could find about heart defects. Your book stood out to me because I was interested in the surgeon's perspective. Unfortunately, there aren't many books about chd's...something that I hope changes soon. Your book is something we will keep forever. Dr. Drummond-Webb performed my daughter's first open-heart surgery. We loved him very much, and his death hit us very hard. We're glad our daughter, Lauren, will have something to tell her a little more about the kind of person he was. Lauren was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome at 8 days old. She'd been home with us for 5 days before fallilng ill. It's been quite the roller-coaster ride, of course, she's absolutely worth it! Dr. Imamura (you may have met him also) performed Lauren's 2nd surgery last May. She'd spent months on the transplant list before her heart function was good enough for the 2nd stage. It was a long and hard recovery. I was reading your book at her bedside one day, when Dr. Ula (anesthesia) walked in and told me he was at Cleveland while you were there. Anyway, we have a couple of people in common! I'm not one of those moms that says just fix her.....I want her fixed and I try to understand as much as possible everything that is going on with her. Your book helped me a lot and I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it! Jeannie Reynolds
And, last night---He REPLIED!!!! I just thought it was so cool!!!!!
Jeannie,Thanks so much for writing. It's good to know my book helps. I've been close to people going through what your'e going through and i can't completely imagine it. Jonathan was a good surgeon and you were lucky to have him. I hope Lauren continues to improve and moves on well to that third stage. She's very lucky to have you.All best wishes and thanks again,Michael
Just wanted to share lol---not much excitement around here!! And, it's a good thing he has editors lol!
Another thing.......
Regarding my previous post: I'm in no way advocating their innocence.....I have no idea. I do strongly believe the case was handled horribly.
West Memphis Three
Imagine for a moment: your town is reeling from a recent, gruesome ordeal that is still being investigated. You're a teenager sitting at home, maybe watching tv. Someone knocks at your door, and before you realize what's happening; you're being handcuffed and read your rights. You're being arrested for the crime.
"Shortly after three eight-year-old boys were found mutilated and murdered in West Memphis, Arkansas, local newspapers stated the killers had been caught. The police assured the public that the three teenagers in custody were definitely responsible for these horrible crimes. Evidence? The same police officers coerced an error-filled “confession” from Jessie Misskelley Jr., who is mentally handicapped. They subjected him to 12 hours of questioning without counsel or parental consent, audio-taping only two fragments totaling 46 minutes. Jessie recanted it that evening, but it was too late— Misskelley, Jason Baldwin and Damien Echols were all arrested on June 3, 1993, and convicted of murder in early 1994. Although there was no physical evidence, murder weapon, motive, or connection to the victims, the prosecution pathetically resorted to presenting black hair and clothing, heavy metal t-shirts, and Stephen King novels as proof that the boys were sacrificed in a satanic cult ritual. Unfathomably, Echols was sentenced to death, Baldwin received life without parole, and Misskelley got life plus 40. For over 12 years, The West Memphis Three have been imprisoned for crimes they didn’t commit. Echols waits in solitary confinement for the lethal injection our tax dollars will pay for. They were all condemned by their poverty, incompetent defense, satanic panic and a rush to judgment. "
The above was taken from the front page of this website http://www.wm3.org/splash.php.
CAUTION: The case is very gruesome, even more so that most horror movies I've seen. If you're interested in the story, please, realize it's very hard to believe, but it did in fact happen. My blog entry will not reveal any of the gruesome facts--it's just my opinion on the case.
I'll be the first to admit, when I watched the special on HBO "Paradise Lost", I was convinced they were guilty. Damien struck me as a disgusting, very sad excuse for a human being. But, I had done what's been done to them all along-and that's judge them without the facts. A few years later, I became interested in the case again. After researching more about the case, I became more "on the fence"---my biggest problem was how something like this could happen here in America. Three teenage boys being sentenced to death or life without parole for something they didn't do. I had to (much like everyone else needs to) get past the attitude of Damien, the way he dressed, talked, his hobbies, and then, of course, his name lol. So, I was on the fence for a while.
Even while watching the movie, I thought one of the murdered boy's step-dad seemed completely off his rocker. Now, I'm convinced that he needs more investigating.
So, it's recently been brought back up in our local news. One of the defense attorneys believes the case should be reopened. He might as well be banging his head against a brick wall. My interest was once again sparked.
What bothers me most is the complete lack of evidence. The fact that when the boys were found-the first thing out of one of the cop's mouth was "well, it looks like Damien Echols has finally killed". No other leads were looked in to. Jessie Misskelley has been examined by doctors and proven to be mentally handicapped. He was questioned for hours (most of it not recorded) before giving a confession. Later that night, he said that they hadn't killed the boys, but it was too late. Seriously, his statement was the ONLY evidence they had.
And, another thing--these 3 weren't even friends. They hardly knew each other.
Back in January, our governor was asked if he would consider giving the three clemency--his response--he was not inclined to do so. So Jason wrote the following letter to the governor and it was printed in the AR Democrat-Gazette:
A protest of innocence
Arkansas Times Staff Updated: 3/30/2006
Re: Jan. 5 broadcast of “Arkansans Ask: Gov. Mike Huckabee.” Dear Governor Huckabee: You say you haven’t seen proof of our innocence [the West Memphis Three]. I say that is possible but only if you haven’t searched. I know you are an extremely busy man. You have to be because you have the needs of everyone in Arkansas resting upon your shoulders. I understand and do not blame you for taking the advice of your advisers on this case. However, know this Governor: I was 16 years old when I was kidnapped — and from day one I
have told the truth about my innocence every chance I was given — but no one with power or authority on earth has listened to me. But He has. God has listened and if you don’t believe it all you have to do is look at all the hearts he has touched concerning this. It wasn’t fair or right when you said the only concerned citizens were outsiders and that they had reached their conclusions after only viewing a movie. There are many Arkansans who know that I am innocent who have done more than just view a movie. No. 1 on that list is Mara Leveritt. Ask her about the facts of this case. Debate publicly with her. Just make sure you have your facts straight first because I guarantee you she has hers. Better yet, drop to your knees and ask God about this in prayer. Be a hero, Governor Huckabee. Take the initiative and really look at this case. If you don’t, I understand and I’ve already forgiven you. Just know this: My faith will never waver and should it do so — God will pick up the slack. P.S. Congratulations on your health. I’m a counselor here in prison and I use your example as a role model for the guys to emulate. Thank you. C. Jason Baldwin Tucker Unit Jason Baldwin, who was convicted at age 16 in the slaying of three West Memphis children in 1993, is serving a life sentence at Tucker. Another co-defendant also received a life term and Damien Echols has been sentenced to die for the crime.
So, this was another thing I needed out of my head---not completely---I do believe the case should be reopened.
"Shortly after three eight-year-old boys were found mutilated and murdered in West Memphis, Arkansas, local newspapers stated the killers had been caught. The police assured the public that the three teenagers in custody were definitely responsible for these horrible crimes. Evidence? The same police officers coerced an error-filled “confession” from Jessie Misskelley Jr., who is mentally handicapped. They subjected him to 12 hours of questioning without counsel or parental consent, audio-taping only two fragments totaling 46 minutes. Jessie recanted it that evening, but it was too late— Misskelley, Jason Baldwin and Damien Echols were all arrested on June 3, 1993, and convicted of murder in early 1994. Although there was no physical evidence, murder weapon, motive, or connection to the victims, the prosecution pathetically resorted to presenting black hair and clothing, heavy metal t-shirts, and Stephen King novels as proof that the boys were sacrificed in a satanic cult ritual. Unfathomably, Echols was sentenced to death, Baldwin received life without parole, and Misskelley got life plus 40. For over 12 years, The West Memphis Three have been imprisoned for crimes they didn’t commit. Echols waits in solitary confinement for the lethal injection our tax dollars will pay for. They were all condemned by their poverty, incompetent defense, satanic panic and a rush to judgment. "
The above was taken from the front page of this website http://www.wm3.org/splash.php.
CAUTION: The case is very gruesome, even more so that most horror movies I've seen. If you're interested in the story, please, realize it's very hard to believe, but it did in fact happen. My blog entry will not reveal any of the gruesome facts--it's just my opinion on the case.
I'll be the first to admit, when I watched the special on HBO "Paradise Lost", I was convinced they were guilty. Damien struck me as a disgusting, very sad excuse for a human being. But, I had done what's been done to them all along-and that's judge them without the facts. A few years later, I became interested in the case again. After researching more about the case, I became more "on the fence"---my biggest problem was how something like this could happen here in America. Three teenage boys being sentenced to death or life without parole for something they didn't do. I had to (much like everyone else needs to) get past the attitude of Damien, the way he dressed, talked, his hobbies, and then, of course, his name lol. So, I was on the fence for a while.
Even while watching the movie, I thought one of the murdered boy's step-dad seemed completely off his rocker. Now, I'm convinced that he needs more investigating.
So, it's recently been brought back up in our local news. One of the defense attorneys believes the case should be reopened. He might as well be banging his head against a brick wall. My interest was once again sparked.
What bothers me most is the complete lack of evidence. The fact that when the boys were found-the first thing out of one of the cop's mouth was "well, it looks like Damien Echols has finally killed". No other leads were looked in to. Jessie Misskelley has been examined by doctors and proven to be mentally handicapped. He was questioned for hours (most of it not recorded) before giving a confession. Later that night, he said that they hadn't killed the boys, but it was too late. Seriously, his statement was the ONLY evidence they had.
And, another thing--these 3 weren't even friends. They hardly knew each other.
Back in January, our governor was asked if he would consider giving the three clemency--his response--he was not inclined to do so. So Jason wrote the following letter to the governor and it was printed in the AR Democrat-Gazette:
A protest of innocence
Arkansas Times Staff Updated: 3/30/2006
Re: Jan. 5 broadcast of “Arkansans Ask: Gov. Mike Huckabee.” Dear Governor Huckabee: You say you haven’t seen proof of our innocence [the West Memphis Three]. I say that is possible but only if you haven’t searched. I know you are an extremely busy man. You have to be because you have the needs of everyone in Arkansas resting upon your shoulders. I understand and do not blame you for taking the advice of your advisers on this case. However, know this Governor: I was 16 years old when I was kidnapped — and from day one I
have told the truth about my innocence every chance I was given — but no one with power or authority on earth has listened to me. But He has. God has listened and if you don’t believe it all you have to do is look at all the hearts he has touched concerning this. It wasn’t fair or right when you said the only concerned citizens were outsiders and that they had reached their conclusions after only viewing a movie. There are many Arkansans who know that I am innocent who have done more than just view a movie. No. 1 on that list is Mara Leveritt. Ask her about the facts of this case. Debate publicly with her. Just make sure you have your facts straight first because I guarantee you she has hers. Better yet, drop to your knees and ask God about this in prayer. Be a hero, Governor Huckabee. Take the initiative and really look at this case. If you don’t, I understand and I’ve already forgiven you. Just know this: My faith will never waver and should it do so — God will pick up the slack. P.S. Congratulations on your health. I’m a counselor here in prison and I use your example as a role model for the guys to emulate. Thank you. C. Jason Baldwin Tucker Unit Jason Baldwin, who was convicted at age 16 in the slaying of three West Memphis children in 1993, is serving a life sentence at Tucker. Another co-defendant also received a life term and Damien Echols has been sentenced to die for the crime.
So, this was another thing I needed out of my head---not completely---I do believe the case should be reopened.
Lifetime movie in the making
The trial of Susan Polk has caught my interest. She is accused of murdering her husband 4 years ago. They met when she became his patient in her mid-teens. He was a very successful psychologist. He was 50 and she was 25 when they married. She is currently serving as her own defense after her previous attorney's wife was found murdered at his home last year.
She claims her husband was stabbed during a struggle for a paring knife. She also claims he had been emotionally and physically abusive to her and her 3 sons for years.
Out of her 3 sons, ages 19-23, only the middle son, aged 20, is standing beside her. The other 2 sons recently settled a wrongful death suit against their mother. During their time on the stand, both of these sons have expressed that their mother was delusional and often spoke of killing their father. At one point in the trial, one of her sons told her she was "the embodiment of evil" and later stated she was "cuckoo for cocoa puffs".
The one son that is standing beside her, Eli, is constantly in trouble. He's spent time in a juvenile detention center for beating another boy with a flashlight. Also, the day his father was killed, he led police on a high-speed chase. He goes on trial again soon for being accused of battering a girlfriend. He does, however, maintain his mother's innocence, and claims that his father instigated many family troubles.
This is quite a story. You can go to courttv.com to follow the trial.
Anyway, I have a gazillion things running through my head, and it's time I start getting it out :)
She claims her husband was stabbed during a struggle for a paring knife. She also claims he had been emotionally and physically abusive to her and her 3 sons for years.
Out of her 3 sons, ages 19-23, only the middle son, aged 20, is standing beside her. The other 2 sons recently settled a wrongful death suit against their mother. During their time on the stand, both of these sons have expressed that their mother was delusional and often spoke of killing their father. At one point in the trial, one of her sons told her she was "the embodiment of evil" and later stated she was "cuckoo for cocoa puffs".
The one son that is standing beside her, Eli, is constantly in trouble. He's spent time in a juvenile detention center for beating another boy with a flashlight. Also, the day his father was killed, he led police on a high-speed chase. He goes on trial again soon for being accused of battering a girlfriend. He does, however, maintain his mother's innocence, and claims that his father instigated many family troubles.
This is quite a story. You can go to courttv.com to follow the trial.
Anyway, I have a gazillion things running through my head, and it's time I start getting it out :)
Friday, February 17, 2006
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