Ok my title may sound humorous but the post isn't lol--not trying to make light of its use but well I'm in debt to the creators....what else can I say :)
So, Friday night I reminded my dh to go to the pharmacy the next morning and pick up one of Lauren's meds and one of mine. He replies with "your crazy medicine". Now, it didn't bother me, really, I know he was kidding; but, it has made me think about it ever since. I mean it's $20 copay per month (not that much) and it affects the way you handle things. But, I don't see myself ever getting off of it....not anytime soon anyway.
I went through Lauren's diagnosis, first surgery, and 7 weeks of being in the hospital and feeling like an emotional train wreck without it. I went through our first 2 months at home (2 of the hardest months of my life--physically & emotionally) without it. And, more importantly, her first heart cath without it. The doctor came out...said she wasn't ready for the 2nd surgery and he discovered a new defect that she couldn't live with....surgery nor a transplant would help and more than likely we only had a few months left with her. I went through all of that without any help....so-called friends---out the window and family I thought would always be there for me, weren't. The saying is true: in desperate times, you find out who your friends are.
The second test showed she could in fact live with the defect but she still wasn't ready for the 2nd surgery, so the cardiac staff decided on a transplant. It wasn't until then that I realized this wasn't a hurdle or two that we would get past and live normal, but this was going to be a life-long battle. The thought can be so overwhelming. So, in November, dh and I went to our family dr. to get a flu shot....Lauren's docs were in the process of having her listed. Our family doc asked about everything and then looked at me and said "how are you handling all this?" That's when I realized I wasn't. I cried all the time; all the time....from the time I woke up until I went to bed, and even getting up in the middle of the night from not being able to sleep. I was wasting what time I did have with Lauren. He prescribed zoloft. Now, I'm sure I would've made it through the long nights of waiting for the phone to ring, then finding out her surgeon killed himself; and I still get upset at least every other day, but nothing like I was. So, to me, if just that one little pill every night is going to keep me sane, and it's not hurting anything, then why not.
I met so many amazing people during Lauren's hospital stays. One couple that I've stayed in touch with....I met them during Lauren's first surgery; they came up to see us during Lauren's 2nd surgery. They kept telling me how different I was.....lol I guess I truly was a basket case the first time around. And, with time, you learn what you do need to worry about and what you don't. Being in the hospital is like walking across a land mine....one minute everything can be going fine and the next, your child's room is swarming with doctors.
But, we made it....and we'll keep making it....while I wish to God she didn't have anything else to ever have to go through again; I wouldn't change what she has been through. It's made her who she is and I couldn't imagine her any other way.
I still worry sometimes to the point of making myself sick....but I've learned to deal with it. When she says her legs hurt, her arms, her chest...I wonder if it's due to her heart. I have no idea what's in store for Lauren and I guess it's times like this that it kind of gets thrown back in your face (heart cath coming up) that you realize she's not ok and you just never know what you're going to hear at every appointment. She's had 5 heart caths and out of those 5---4 produced bad news. So I'm sure you understand why I'm so apprehensive about them. I'm just so ready for it to be here and gone and for her cardiologist to tell us to come back in about 6 months (hey I can wish).
Dh and I sit around (very seldom) and talk about the last 2 years....I swear it almost seems unreal, everything we've or mostly she has been through. The big pictures is you have a sick child...then there are millions of little things that go along with it. I've met some of the most brilliant people on this planet and some of the most callous. There's one doctor I need to blog about---and I might soon---I need to get him out of my head lol.....such a jerk!!!!!!
Sometimes, I feel like I talk about Lauren's situation too much and other times, not enough. I don't know, it's definitely been the major part of our last 2 years.
Well, this was longer than I intended.......I'm so glad I started blogging!!
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4 comments:
Jeannie you don't talk about it too much. It IS a big deal, and like you said, it shaped who Lauren is today, but the events also had a HUGE impact on who YOU are today. I've been thinking of the upcoming surgery and I pray that you have peace of mind and it is goes as uneventful and short as possible.
ps Zoloft sounds really tempting at the moment. I might have a few questions for you soon.
I definitely don't think you talk about your situation too much. I love hearing everything you have to say.
I'm glad you've been able to find help in your meds...who cares that you take it? It helps keep you balanced so you can be a great mom to your girls and a great wife to your dh. You have to be on top of it for your kids' sake...and it sounds to me like you do a wonderful job! I can't even imagine going thru everything you've been thru...and may go thru. You rock!
I agree.. you most definitely do not talk about it too much. What you've been through has been quite an ordeal, yet you're still sweet, kind and upbeat.
Zoloft does wonders for people. You made it through w/out it, but it seems (just based on what you said) that you were more or less "white-knuckling" it and now you are clamer. You deserve peace and happiness. You're such a sweet person.
I took Zoloft for about a year after Abram was born. I was so against taking in at first. I was afraid it'd leave me feeling numb and emotionless. I didn't want that, I just didn't want to be a big ball of anxiety nonstop. Needless to say, I did take it and I was pleasantly surprised that it didn't make me feel that way. In fact, it made me feel more "normal" than I had felt in a long time.
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